A bit of wisdom...

...Under normal circumstances, Amnesiac is, by far, my favorite album in the world to fall asleep to. However, tonight, I have made a horrific discovery:

   When you're trying to fall asleep while depressed about something, that album makes you want to kill yourself.

   Looks like MPR it is. 

A change of heart?

Upon further reflection, I've decided that actually, that is a positively insane idea.

When I was chatting with Liam earlier about my plan to go to London, he remarked.

Liam: "I mean, even if the whole thing turns out to be a total fluke, which I know it very well could, at least I could say it was an adventure I readily embarked upon simply because I felt like it at the time! And when's the last time I could say that about something?" = awesome.

Speaking as a frequent fool-for-love, i totally agree

But I've got to get a hold of myself here. I'm not in love with this kid, dammit, I can't be; I'm in love with an online persona that he's diligently crafted for me. I'm in love with several individual facets of Gavin that do not comprise a whole, and I have to maintain some perspective here!

True, I may have a good idea of who Gavin is and what he's like in person, but until you are face to face with someone in the real world, it's impossible to really know, right? I mean sure, Skype may be the next best thing, but more importantly, while my strong suspicion that we would really make exquisite connections on several different levels could be the truth, fact of the matter is his heart currently belongs to Ana. There's just nothing I can do about that, and no, embarking on an escapade to the U.K. based on a foolish and naive feeling of ardor for someone that's wholly unrequited is one of the craziest ideas I've ever conjured up.

Okay, so maybe I'm going a little too far in the other direction by dismissing whatever Gavin feels for me in its entirety like such. I mean, you certainly don't spend countless hours conversing with someone who means nothing to you. Nor do you undress before someone you don't feel entirely comfortable with, or fall asleep in front of them, or bring yourself to several orgasms, or discuss many of the things we've talked about at length. But maybe it's just me -- perhaps I'm just reading much too far into these events because I personally deem them such sentimental occurrences. Or perhaps I'm reading into them so much due to my own wishful thinking -- I want to believe that Gavin sees me as much more than a friend -- and surely he does, on some level, at least. But maybe I'm just attributing much more meaning than one should to what he may very well see as relatively inconsequential events. But is it really so presumptuous of me to think that there must be more there?

I don't know what it is about this guy that caught me hook, line, and sinker from the very moment I laid eyes on him. I think so highly of him in every way; Gavin is just the most beautiful creature in every single way one could possibly ever fathom, to me. His disposition and temperament combine harmoniously with the sheer uniqueness of his utterly enthralling idiosyncrasies to create a consonant creature that is all but pure perfection in my eyes. Which is not to imply that I've deluded myself into thinking he's an infallible being without serious flaws just like the rest of us -- I'm not stupid or perpetually high, for as much of a romantic as I can be. But my attraction to Gavin has always been so much deeper than any of that superficial bullshit that attractions are normally based on. I've always sensed something profound within him, something that needed to be cultivated and nurtured by the right woman; and I've always wanted to be that woman, to be both his lover and his best friend. I clearly remember one of the first letters I wrote him, when I didn't even know his name yet, how I enthusiastically raved that I had finally found my partner in crime, that we were "destined" to take over the world together. I've never before felt like this, and I've certainly never expressed anything like that to anyone. Most people completely bore me.

*sigh*     

Dammit. Now I'm just confused again. I love how excellent I am at talking myself in circles. Well, he did give me his word that we would "hang out" tomorrow night, and who better to ask about all of this then Gavin himself? If he actually wants to meet me, I can have my ticket within a few days for sure. We could have a really good time together, and if things don't work out as expected, no harm done and nothing lost. And I'll have gotten a kick ass vacation in Europe out of the whole shebang, on top of solidifying an already pretty unique friendship. Then again, he could say, "Uh, hell no, you crazy wench -- are you fucking insane?" which wouldn't be altogether bad, I suppose, as harsh as that may be. As hurtful as it would be to hear from someone I've been pretty emotionally invested in for months now, at least I'd know where I stand and that it was time to completely move on.

I have an idea, actually. Why don't I email him my two contradictory posts on this blog, let him to spend the day ruminating on what he really thinks of them, and then we can talk about it for awhile tomorrow night?

I'm a pure genius, heh. Now I'm gonna spend the remainder of my night perfecting "You and Whose Army" on guitar.     









 

Score!

I actually found some very nicely priced flights with British Airways to Heathrow for October 3-11 -- about $800.00, total. That's a really nice price!

However, I think I'm gonna force myself to wait for a day so I can talk to Gavin and Jess, and also so that I can chew upon it more. I feel like this is the right choice for lots of reasons, but simultaneously, I also feel like it's a completely insane choice -- and I'm not going to travel anywhere if I'm going to feel worse about making the decision to go than I would if I stayed.

Maybe I should make a pros and cons list, heh. 

Because it's better to have taken a chance and lost....

It's completely abnormal to allow what Gavin told me earlier to utterly ruin my day the way it has. But as I told him just a little bit ago, one thing I've learned from him (probably the most important thing I've learned from him, really) is that being "abnormal" really isn't so abnormal after all.

Additionally, who's to say that abnormal necessarily equates with "bad?"

Which is to say that I no longer care if my recent behaviors and feelings comport with anyone's standards at all anymore. He assured me repeatedly this morning that chances were, he wouldn't go back to her. That he was going to visit her for his own sake, and with eyes "wide-open." And honestly, I'm not sure whether or not I believe him. I mean, part of me does believe him -- at least, I certainly believe that he doesn't intend for anything more to happen with her. But simultaneously, I strongly believe that she likely wants him back, and that she'll make every effort toward that end possible. Similarly, it would be a mistake to underestimate Gavin's intelligence, foresight, and wisdom when it comes to anyone's feminine wiles, really -- he's not stupid, and I have a lot of faith in his ability to see things as they are. But then again, he is in love with her, and love has a tendency to blind/sway even the most intelligent among us.

Ugh.

You know what, though? It's really very uncharacteristic of me to worry so much about something I truly have no control over, and I don't see why I should change that right now. But then again, it's not exactly like I have any control over how I feel about this. I missed karate this morning, missed my doctors appointment, I'm going to miss speech in an hour, I haven't done anything besides lay in bed and listen to an epic sounding live podcast from Pendulum and stare into space. I cried like a deeply sad little girl a few times. I keep thinking to myself, if only we met, you'd change your mind in a heartbeat. I know you would. Then I think, maybe I should buy a ticket to London? But that just seems crazy. I mean, I know I could stay with Jess for a week, and I haven't seen her in years, that would be awesome to see her. But that wouldn't be the real motivating reason for going out there, and she'd know that right away. So would he, for that matter.

That's a positively insane idea, it truly is. But then again, when's the last time I really did something truly crazy? Maybe I need to start living my life again, and just start doing really crazy things just because I fucking feel like it. I mean, even if the whole thing turns out to be a total fluke, which I know that it very well could, at least I could say it was an adventure I readily embarked upon simply because I felt like taking a chance at the time! It would be one hell of a story to tell my future children, if nothing else! And when's the last time I could say that about something? I haven't even been on one of my completely whimsical, spontaneous road trips in years now -- hell, I haven't even traveled period in years. Speaking of things that are truly uncharacteristic of me, being stationary for so long tops that list for sure.

Fuck it. It's really settled this time -- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to London. I should talk to Gavin first and find out when he's going to Romania, and Jess, too. This could very well be the most exciting thing I've done in several years!

Lemon Drop Martinis at Mancini's

We wound up opting for Mancini's in downtown Saint Paul last night, where we had the pleasure of witnessing what was quite possibly one of the worst cover bands in the world attempt to perform really bad songs from even worse bands like Journey and the La Bamba.

Definitely a very amusing evening.

Having a sub kicks so much ass, too; Gabrielle was right on in her analysis of Trent being one of the most truly submissive guys she's ever met. He was such a real gentleman, opening all the doors for me last night, pulling out my chair for me, taking care of anything requiring funds -- just spoiling me rotten.

However, rather then going back to his place at the end of the night, I instead chose to go home. And I'm really glad I did.

Anyways, here's some pics at Mancini's, with me of course being as unphotogenic as possible.

Manufactured feelings

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I think that a lot of feelings that seem perfectly natural, spontaneous, and strong are in fact subconsciously manufactured by our brains, and once we realize this, we can also understand that sometimes just letting go of them and moving on is what's most pragmatic.

Maybe I'll elaborate more on this realization later. For now, I'm gonna nap for an hour and then Trent is gonna pick me up ("like a good sub!" lol) and we're gonna hit up Ground Zero tonight.

So sore

But it's the good kind of sore -- you know, that awesome ache in muscles you didn't even know you had after getting some sleep after an intense workout? We did so much hip and gluteal work in class last night that my butt feels like it's on fire today or something! My lower back is killing me from doing too many advanced versions of bridge while being a little outta shape (it's been a few months since my last class at Lifetime Fitness), and it the muscles in my lower legs/ankles (?) are killing me.

But damn it feels good!

Anyways, I'm taking the weekend off so that my muscles can adequately recover from this week -- the most common mistake people make when they begin a workout regimen is overdoing it, not giving their bodies enough time to recuperate and build muscle.

I definitely need a few days off. I have a relatively set schedule now: karate on Monday (12:00 p.m.), Tuesday and Thursday (5:30 p.m.), and then yoga on Monday (7:00 p.m.) and Thursday (7:30 p.m.). I think that's a pretty good starting schedule.

Additionally, Jennifer (Charlie's woman!) found a nice deal on "boot camp" and a personal training session for September that I told her I'd join in on. With so much working out in the next while, I think I'm gonna have to put my job search on hold for a bit. I don't see how I could both work and keep all three fitness programs going! But that's cool with me.

Fulfilled

  I am, undoubtedly, going to wake up so sore tomorrow, I almost dread going to sleep!

  Tonight was awesome. Not only was karate super challenging, but it was followed by nothing short on an epic yoga class that my body has been missing for months. I'll say it again -- joining this dojo is one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself.

  A new teacher (not Anita) was instructing the class tonight. She took us through several sun salutations, some warrior poses -- and of course, my favorite yogic position of all time, an advanced variation of the pigeon pose.

  I'll finish this post later. 

Announcing expostmodernism

Very interesting read on the death of postmodernism and what the author posits is its replacing ideology.

Tip of the hat to Liam for linking to this on Facebook.

 

How To Be ExPoMod

ANNOUNCING EXPOSTMODERNISM

It’s an open secret that postmodernism is dead. Most people say “dying,” out of respect for the old king. But the position is vacant.

I’m seeing changes, big changes, and lots of them. Changes in technology, art, the economy, and what people want in life. No single one of them is anything new; they’ve all been talked about before. But taken together they establish a new zeitgeist. More than that, a new paradigm.
Chances are, if you’ve found your way to MIPitR, you’re living this new paradigm. I call it expostmodernism.

This is a new word, and I’m going to put some new spin on it. That’s because there are two big problems with the new paradigm: it hasn’t been well defined, and it’s never had a good name. I’ve heard the label post-postmodernism, but one of the coiners of that term, Tom Turner, advised to “embrace post-Postmodernism—and pray for a better name.” Post-postmodernism implies a linear trajectory, as if the newest developments are simply an outgrowth of the old. But they’re not; they’re in solid defiance of what came before. The 23rd century will be divorced from the modernisms, and today is the breakup.

In the Oughts, another vision of this paradigm was put forward under the label “digimodernism,” named with the idea that digital technology is the driving force behind it. The word itself sounds funny (all those soft consonants), but it’s also an oversimplification. Digital technology is one important factor in the new era, but powerful political and economic forces also shape the worldwide change.

Understanding these forces is vital because they’re shaping our world. I was born in 1981, the final year of Generation X. I’ve often wished I could have been born either 10 years earlier, so I could’ve been an 80s punk, or 10 years later, so I could’ve been a digital native.

But the truth is, I straddle two eras, and the view is amazing. ExPoMod is not just an academic concept, it’s a description of the key elements of the movements changing our lives. Understanding ExPoMod is understanding what those movements and trends have in common, which makes it possible to predict what strategies will be successful in the coming decades.

The purpose of this article is to lay bare the essential elements of ExPoMod and aid in that understanding. I’ll look at the historic context that has created expostmodernism, define exactly what expostmodernism is, and give examples of it at work across different spheres of culture. Finally, in true MIPitR style, I’ll close with some open questions for all of you to chew on—and take to the forums to discuss.

HISTORY

To understand expostmodernism means looking back at the earlier modern paradigms: the Enlightenment, modernism, and postmodernism. Each of these shifts in thinking was caused by (and led to) important changes in the way humans view their existence, and the strategies they use to cope with it.

The Enlightenment was the start of the modern age. As philosophers were faced with new and intriguing data from around the globe, they turned to an empirical method of investigation. The scientific method was born and the budding sciences gave tremendous new tools to humanity, launching new economies with all the luxuries and miseries that came with them. At the same time, increasing contact between remote cultures, often with widely different worldviews, catalyzed a new questioning of traditional ideas and explanations. Theology, theories of government, and even ethics all came under scrutiny. Ideas born in this time period rule the world to the present day.

The Enlightenment also birthed new sources of authority. Democratic government was viewed as more legitimate than monarchy, free capitalism promised an equal opportunity for every man, and science laid claim to objective certainty. These authorities drove humanity squarely toward modernism.

Modernism can be described as the mechanization of human hope. Steam engines, global shipping and communication, factories, education for all gave society a new shape. Economies reached scales never before contemplated. With these advances it was expected that the human condition would improve. With more wealth total, and more opportunities for individuals to earn some of it, a better standard of living was guaranteed. Right?

The promise of modernism was partially true. New medicines, utilities, and luxuries undeniably changed the standard of living. But two great blind spots undermined this shift:

• The impact of these advances is only as good as the social programs in place to ensure equal access, and
• The structures needed to create these advances have a standard-of-living cost of their own, which may outweigh their benefits.

Thus, millions of individuals labored without improving their overall happiness. In some cases, the social cost of modernism was high: the pursuit of employment led people to move far away from their families, accept horrible living conditions, and lose access to sources of nourishment such as nature, cultural traditions, and supportive family structures.

The underbelly of modernism was a contagious sense of alienation, and it is that alienation  that prepared the way for postmodernism. But alienation had been humanity’s constant companion throughout the Gilded Age and had never been enough on its own. It was not until the moment after World War II that conditions were set.

These conditions varied from country to country. In North America, a burgeoning middle class confronted the fact that alienation was still a part of their lives. Money, security and luxury had not solved it.

In much of Europe, the wreckage of modernism was undeniable. The promises of the Modern Age had not been fulfilled. Neither money, nor security, nor luxury had been delivered.

Postmodernism reigned from the 50s through the 80s. Although the modern standards of democracy, wealth, and science never ostensibly went away, all were now viewed with deep distrust. Each would be deconstructed over and over. Each would turn out to be built on unprovable assumptions rather than objective truth. Thus, postmodernism declared that truth was relative. And since no culture or way of life could be the right one, the idea of pluralism rose to prominence by its side.

And then there was cynicism. For more than 40 years the threat of nuclear apocalypse hung over the earth. As a constant possibility, beyond the control of the ordinary citizen, it colored art, dialogue, and attitude. This threat, along with distrust of authority and certainty, made cynicism the trademark of postmodernism.
But now all that has changed.

WHAT IS EXPOMOD

The attitudes at the core of postmodernism have slipped, and expostmodernism has arrived. Like those before it, this paradigm is built partly on defiance of the failings of its predecessor, and partly on tremendous forces of change in technology and culture.

The force most people want to talk about is social media and wireless devices, and they are often treated as the only causes of the culture shift happening right now. But that’s a very narrow view. I see a number of major factors driving ExPoMod, including:

• A new boogieman. The Cold War ended in the 90s. Nuclear attacks still pose a risk, but are unlikely to wipe out entire continents. Terror attacks are the new spook, and while devastating, they tend to be localized. When the world is not in danger of ending, there is less motivation for cynicism and apathy.
• The maturing of the internet. In the early 90s, the savviest internet users were teens. The internet was a place of dubious information and anonymity. In the Oughts those users grew up and harnessed the internet professionally. Now people use their real names and information is as accurate (or more accurate) as offline sources.
• The depreciation of privacy. Throughout the postmodern period there was a concern for privacy of personal information. Only government and corporations had the resources to collect and use repositories of personal information, and they weren’t trusted. Since the late 90s there has been increasing value to putting one’s personal information online, and increasing difficulty in keeping it private. With real advantages to sharing personal information, privacy has become a polarized issue and more people are comfortable giving it up.
• A new type of war. The wars of the last 20 years tend to kill thousands or tens of thousands of people, a sharp contrast to the millions of dead in the World Wars, Korea, and Vietnam. Nationalism is less polarized, and discussion of war is more openly couched in economic terms.
• Economic shift. As the housing market fails, people find less security in staying in one location. More people take advantage of the ease of travel and communication, and they spend money differently. Sectors that delivery creativity, information, technology, and experiences are seeing growth.
• Change in education. As the price of college soars and more jobs require Master’s degrees, people increasingly seek ways to self-employ or work creatively. Many people prefer focused training through workshops, conferences and online materials to be preferable to formal institutions of higher learning. With the breadth and depth of information available online, this strategy has become a viable alternative to college for launching a successful career.

Together these factors shape a multi-generational move toward new beliefs, views and lifestyles. The single most notable shift is the decline of alienation. Alienation, the banner trait of postmodernism, occurs when an individual feels their existence has no point—either because their work provides no satisfaction, or because they don’t feel like they fit in with their community

For much of the modern/postmodern period, there was no easy solution for alienation. Only so many jobs were available, and moving or traveling was difficult without wealth. The average person could not pick up and change their situation without taking extreme personal risk.
In popular narrative this led to an iconic lifestyle arc: the youth who is rebellious and individualistic, but eventually settles down, gets a job, and does what society expects.
The new narrative is a radically different arc: the individual who was settled, had a job, and realizes they can leave it behind to follow their passion—successfully.

Now, when someone feels unsatisfied in life, they have more options than just dressing in black and acting out. (Joining a tiny group of outsiders is so last decade.) That’s because we all have access to a bigger pool—if people in your own community don’t share your views or interests, you can have meaningful contact with people all around the world who do. Finding them, collaborating with them, and forming groups is easier than ever before.
Beyond social satisfaction, career satisfaction has gone worldwide as well. With relatively little training or investment, almost any individual can physically move (either to a single new location, or for a series of travels) and maintain a comfortable standard of living.

The individual is no longer reliant on large systems like colleges and corporations to attain success. Or rather, the individual can choose to rely on a different large system, the cloud. Since the cloud is as close to an endless, free resource as humanity has ever seen, that is a sustainable switch for the foreseeable future.

The lifting of alienation is the single defining factor of expostmodernism. The creative individual is no longer engaged in a lone romantic struggle against the weight of society: they have become the leading edge of society.

This change affects the whole machine. A renewed sense of hope pervades avant-garde dialogue. Spiritual pursuits are back on the menu of what’s acceptable, albeit as highly individualized journeys without the old structures. Pluralism has given way to tribalism. Cynicism is out, and irony is in.

This is the zeitgeist of the expostmodern, and it shows no signs of quitting. And what it means? What it means is this: we live in the most exciting moment in 60 years. What if you had been on the New York art scene in the final days of World War II, when Jackson Pollock changed the definition of art? Or if you were a university student in 1637, when René Descartes invented the scientific method? These moments lit fires around the world.

Right now it’s happening again. If you are reading this, you are on the scene. You are a digital citizen in 2011, and a new era is mid-launch before you.

 

Praise for my dojo

Karate class was nothing short of awesome. I am so impressed with my instructors, and so eager to really develop my skills with their instruction.

And I'm already beginning to see some results; primarily, my balance during class has improved markedly. However, everything is still ridiculously new, and the improvements I'm starting to see don't go nearly far enough -- I almost feel like a new born taking in the entire world for the first time.

Tomorrow will be a good day though. Karate class starts at 5:30 sharp, and following that, Anita will be teaching a yoga class. I haven't taken a yoga class in months, and I'm really excited -- even though I barely know Anita, I'm already quite fond of her and Sensei Ertl (she's actually his wife -- the dojo is family owned, which makes it even cooler, in my book).

Both Sensei Anita and Sensei Ertl are amazingly patient and skilled instructors -- I look forward to learning from them so much!

My vanilla fantasy

I just wrote this last night.

Fuck law school. I'm gonna get my masters in creative English and pursue the lifestyle of a writer of erotica. I seriously have way too much fun writing this stuff...

                                       3:16 A.M.

            My eyes suddenly open wide. Gavin’s face is nestled softly into the crevice of my neck like a little baby being cradled by his mother; his eyes are shut tight, and he’s clearly fast asleep. His hands are wrapped around my naked breasts, my bare back pressed against the front side of his body as we lay with our naked entwined bodies, on our sides in the spoon position on our bed.

                I gently moved his head to the pillow and sat up on my left arm to get a better glance of the clock, which told of only 3:16 A.M., and plopped my head back down, on the pillow, pulling the bedspread tighter around us. I had been awakened by an intensely erotic dream I had been enjoying about having been chained to a different bed that wasn’t our own, and being forced to submit to him fully, my head tied in place around his groin and forced to live off his cum for sustenance. That was odd, I thought. I was so used to being the more dominant partner between the two of us that I found my night time fantasy turning me on in ways I never could have imagined.

                I turned over now to face him, but his eyes were still shut and he had the look of a what one can imagine a sleeping angel would look like, his face softened with a childlike innocence. I gazed up at him lovingly, locking my hands together around the back of his neck and pulling my face closer to his. I began slowly and sensually planting light, soft kisses all over his face as the corners of his mouth turned upwards with the look of a blissful contentment plastered on his face. I softly kissed each of his closed eyelids, and he began to shift ever so slightly in his sleep. I lightly dragged my lips across his cheeks to the very corners of his mouth, lightly kissing both edges of his lips, then, wrapping my arms around his chest, I gently slung my left leg over his waist and pulled his head closer to my face.

                Moving my head below his chin, I started to kiss him deeply and rather passionately all over his neck; this time he was clearly beginning to awaken, his eye lids began to lightly flutter, his arms wrapped around me even tighter and he pressed himself up against my body even harder. My face was buried in that moon shaped crevice between his right shoulder and his ear lobe, and I was lightly nibbling on the skin of his neck.

                He let out a soft chuckle now to let me know he was fully awake and gave me a beautiful, ear to ear grin of contentment, pulling me down now so that I was eye level with him, laying all the way back so that I sat directly on top of him, straddling his burning hot cock. He sighed deeply as he was positioning me on top of him, that precious ear to ear smile of satisfaction never leaving his face for a moment. He hands gripped my waist fervidly now, and his eyes darkened with an almost carnivorous trance. I could feel his cock growing even harder now as I aligned my face so that I was eye level with him. We simply gazed at each other intensely for some moments, losing ourselves in each others eyes for awhile, until I’m finally able to break free of his stare.

                Now my chin is resting lighting on Gavin’s balls, and I can feel his intense gaze watching my every move, turning me on even more. My adulation for him is apparent when I begin kissing his cock and balls ever so adoringly, running my tongue up and down his increasingly hard shaft, paying special attention to that sensitive area just under the glans. I can’t pull my eyes away from his vivid and all-consuming gaze, and his stare is unrelenting. I sit up for a moment to grab a bottle of edible oil from the bed side table and proceed to slather a generous amount between my hands. I then use my oily hands to gather up his large balls with my right hand, lightly massaging them as I slide my tongue up one side of his shaft and then down the other, finishing up by giving each ball its own tongue bath. As I take each ball into my mouth for its own personal tongue washing, my hands wrap around the base of the shaft and I stroke the skin upwards, pausing for a moment to twist my hand a little bit at the top, then stroking downwards.

His breathing quickens as he becomes more and more aroused, and the scent of our bodily fluids is all that permeates the air of the room. I’m sopping wet because simply because I know I’m pleasuring him, and I take him into my mouth in his entirety now, angling my body so that the upper portion of his cock slips into the back of my throat, sucking him off even more vigorously now, using my hands in conjunction with my mouth and thick lips to create a sensory overload for him.

As he begins spurting his seed down my throat, I drink him up like I’m sucking his liquids through the straw of his penis. With every spurt he lets out a deep moan and exhales simultaneously. This goes on for several minutes, and when I’m sure that he’s expended his every last drop, I climb back a top of him and we cuddle as he just holds me for seemingly forever.

Word of the day:

I actually met another very cool guy named Jonathon last night through OkCupid.com. Not only is he also very attractive, but he only lives 10 minutes from me the heart of down town St. Paul, right next to my old school, McNally and Smith College of Music.

What's really cool about him is that, not only does he seem like a very intelligent person (perhaps my biggest turn on), but he's also a fellow writer, except that he writes for a living, owning internet media company here in Minnesota.

Anyways, he introduced me to an awesome new word!

Sesquipedalian: Given to using long words.

Hmm...

Gavin and I were conversing right before he went to bed tonight, and I was confessing to him just how uncharacteristic it was of me to be so utterly enamored by someone like him. I mean, I had envisioned the type of man I wanted to pursue a long term relationship with, and Gavin doesn't fit that mold at all. But the truth of the matter is that he's so much better than any mold my mind could have fashioned...

Anyways, so I wondered out loud to him just what it said about me that I could find someone like him so attractive because, well, frankly, I'm utterly repulsed by some of the utterly extreme and absurd kinds of things he wants in a relationship; yet simultaneously, I'm so drawn to him because of the exact traits that I find so abhorrent.

It's really quite a conundrum, to be honest. A really fucked up conundrum. Which is to say that I myself have yet to understand just how or why I find him so alluring, yet he posited a pretty credible idea tonight. His suggestion was that, in terms of extremity, I've finally met someone who makes me seem like your average tame and timid little girl by comparison -- which is saying a lot. And I do think that he may very well be onto something with this little observation...

On a different note, I took a degree of pleasure tonight in getting to tell that fickle ex whore of his what a mean-spirited bitch she is. See, Gavin just dyed his hair "cosmic blue" (a shade of blue closer to midnight blue), and took a few self photo's using his iPhone that turned out rather nice. The color of blue his hair is is so deep as to appear black at first, but it really compliments his features, contrasting quite nicely with his white skin and really enhancing the color of chocolate his eyes are; he looks nothing short of stunning with his new hair color, if I don't say so myself.

Well, apparently the wench saw this as an opportunity to cut him down to size, for one reason or the other. And her observation that it "looks shit" (please) was entirely uncalled for. I seriously cannot comprehend why he even bothers with her.

I mean, it would be one thing if they actually had some kind of friendship based on genuine good will for each other, or mayve the length of time they had been friends, or even ever interacted in a caring way with one another. But from what I've observed, the status quo between them couldn't be any further from either of those scenarios, which is perplexing, in and of itself! I need to try and remember to ask him just what he's thinking by continuing to interact with her sometime... 

Second karate class

Just got back from my second karate class -- I had the most intense work out, I seriously cannot remember the last time I sweat that much. On top of the fact that I'm still sore from dancing so much on Friday.

Starting these classes is one of the best things I've done for myself in quite awhile. I wanna start training at least three times a week, which my instructor said was a good number of classes to start with. 

Popular will vs. geostrategic pragmatism

Is this the beginning of the end for the 1979 peace accords between Israel and Egypt?

Egypt's cabinet was due on Monday to discuss growing lawlessness along the border with Israel as pressure grew for a tough response to the killing of five Egyptian security personnel that has inflamed tension between the two neighbors.

The Egyptians were killed as Israeli troops repelled gunmen who killed eight people near Israel's Red Sea resort of Eilat on Thursday. Israel said the gunmen had entered the country by crossing from Gaza and through the Egyptian Sinai.

Egypt blamed the deaths of its security personnel on Israel, said it breached their 1979 peace treaty and announced it would recall its ambassador in protest.

Israel expressed its regret for the deaths, but pressure was growing in Egypt for sterner sanctions.

A group of politicians including former Arab League head Amr Moussa and other candidates for Egypt's presidency called on Monday for the immediate return of the Egyptian ambassador, more troops in Sinai and trials in Egypt for Israelis responsible for the killings.

"Egypt after the January revolution is not like Egypt before. The corrupt, oppressive and compliant regime is gone for good," they said in a statement published in newspapers.

They described the government of former President Hosni Mubarak, who was overthrown in February, as "a strategic asset to Israel."

"It has been replaced by a strong popular will that does not know weakness or complicity and understands well how to achieve retribution for the blood of the martyrs."

Another presidential candidate called for restraint.

"Any military escalation with Israel at the current moment is stupidity given the current situation in the country," Mohamed Selim el-Awa, an Islamist, said in al-Masry al-Youm newspaper.

Hundreds protested angrily outside the Israeli embassy in Cairo at the weekend. One man who scaled the tall building to tear down the Israeli flag and replace it with Egypt's was feted as a hero by politicians and the press.

Newspapers dedicated pages of their coverage to Ahmad al-Shehat on Monday, detailing his background and describing in detail how he scaled the embassy and pulled down the flag, drawing an ecstatic reaction from the crowd.

Libya is free!!!

*ululates and does the happy dance*

Oh, happy day!

Post-Qaddafi Libya

Concerns abound for post-Qaddafi leadership

There have long been concerns about what would happen in a post-Qaddafi Libya. After 42 years of dictatorship, creating the political infrastructure and constitutional framework for a more democratic future will be a significant challenge.

Concerns about a post-Libya government reached their greatest peak when Libyan rebel commander Abdel-Fattah Younis was assassinated in late July. The rebels claimed Qaddafi's troops had infiltrated their ranks to sow discord, but since the beginning of the six-month-old uprising, there was concern that Islamic militant elements were fighting with the rebels.  Tribal issues could lead to ongoing, divisive battles within a new Libyan administration.

The Transitional National Council (TNC), made up of members from various areas and tribes, has been recognized by 32 countries as the representative of Libya's government. However, the TNC chairman, Mustafa Abdul Jalil, has not convened a cabinet meeting since August 8.


In addition, an estimated $30 billion in frozen Libyan assets to be dispersed to the new Libyan government is in play.

NATO has worked with the TNC to develop some plans, such as maintain some of Qaddafi's security forces, to maintain stability and order as a new government is formed.

Some of the more vocal rebel leaders have tried to portray confidence. Ahmed Bani, the opposition's military spokesman, told The Telegraph: "The people of Tripoli have suffering from a long time ago. We need their help with schools and hospitals and people will stay to make sure things are secure. Together we will overcome all these problems."

...One of the earliest tests of the new leadership will be what they do with Qaddafi himself, as well as his family and top members of his regime.

International Criminal Court Prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo told The Associated Press that Seif Gaddafi had been detained by "rebel special forces," and that the rebels must remember "It is time for justice, not revenge." He expects the rebels to turn over those who have been issued arrest warrants for crimes against humanity, such as Qaddafi and his sons, to the international court in the Hague.

Moreno-Ocampo promised that, as far as the U.N. is concerned, "there is no more impunity for (Qaddafi's) crimes."

Daniel Korski, Senior Fellow at the European Council on Foreign Relations, told Reuters that after Qaddafi is gone, "The next few hours are key. From Iraq we know that the first days, weeks and months are key for any long-term stability. What happens to law and order, what happens to ex-loyalists is key. The worst that could happen is the collapse of the Qaddafi regime and a huge vacuum. The West must be there to support an orderly transition, resist crowing and taking the responsibility away from the Libyans yet make clear to the rebels they must hold to standards they felt Qaddafi never met."

 

Maybe there is a god after all...!

I can't even begin to describe my elation at this dramatic turn of events.

Muammar Qaddafi's regime is "clearly crumbling"

Euphoric Libyan rebels moved into the capital Tripoli on Sunday and moved close to the city's center. The opposition's leaders said Muammar Qaddafi's son and one-time heir apparent, Seif al-Islam, has been arrested.

In a statement, the NATO secretary general said the dictator's regime was "clearly crumbling. The sooner Qaddafi realizes that he cannot win the battle against his own people, the better -- so that the Libyan people can be spared further bloodshed and suffering."

Sky News correspondent Alex Crawford reports that along the way of the speedy rebel advance, there was no substantial resistance from the Qaddafi troops. All the evidence suggested the soldiers had ditched their uniforms and had simply scarpered.

"They are running like rats so we are doing very good job now!" screamed one rebel, during a dramatic turning of the tides in the 6-month-old Libyan civil war.

Al Jazeera English Livestation: Tripoli right now!

Watch! Oh my god, I can't believe this! I am so happy right now!

The best news I've heard in months

   Momentum is shifting; it's only a matter of time now. Hopefully the end will come sooner rather than later -- for the Libyan people's sake.

Gadhafi More Isolated As Rebels Push Toward Tripoli

 

NATO has played a large role in the rebels' success.

"In fact, there is some debate as to whether claims of victory should go to NATO or indeed to the rebels on the ground," Garcia-Navarro said.

Besides the battlefield gains, the opposition also received a political boost Friday with the defection of Abdel-Salam Jalloud, a close associate of Gadhafi who took part in the 1969 coup that brought the Libyan ruler to power.

Hundreds of miles east of Libya, Assistant Secretary of State Jeffrey Feltman visited the rebels' de-facto capital of Benghazi to announce the opening of the U.S. Embassy in the city.

"Gadhafi's days are numbered," Feltman told reporters on Saturday. "The best case scenario is for Gadhafi to step down now ... that's the best protection for civilians."

 

Plans for Ground Zero tomorrow

Lo and behold, as I was digging through my purse a little more tonight, I happened upon Trent's number! So after I get off the phone With Gab, I decide to drop him a line.

We conversed for almost an hour or so, subsequently making plans to hit up Ground Zero tomorrow night (he offered to come pick me up right now, but I'm not really in the mood). We spoke for quite awhile; he told me a little bit more about last night (apparently he was sober the whole evening), and how he had to help me to even walk to my car. Apparently he really tried quite vociferously to talk me out of driving, but I had insisted I was alright, and frankly, when I become intent on something, rarely can I be talked out of it.

Oh! Also, apparently he's 39! Wow! He so doesn't look it, either.

And apparently the keys I have are for his chastity belt, heh.

Hung over...

I had so much fun last night. The music was awesome, and I got drunk as hell (our "slaves" kept buying us drinks!). And wow, I actually danced for a really long time. It was great.

I did bad, though. I actually drove the Jaguar whilst being so wasted I hardly remember the drive home. I'm so embarrassed, because I know that totally is not cool that I did that.

Moreover, I think my mother realized how drunk I was, because my dress was apparently almost hiked up to my waist when I got home (and I wasn't wearing underwear, to make it even better!). And apparently I was extremely rude to her.

*sigh*

I seriously don't know why I ever drink. It's literally ridiculous just how much of a light weight I am now because of the TBI. No matter, I suppose. I guess that ultimately what really matters is that nothing bad happened, regardless of the fact that I exhibited such poor judgement.

On the plus side, even though I hardly remember some of it, Gabrielle reassured me that I was fine last night. In addition to asking me how "Trent" behaved himself, and finding the keys in my purse to someone's collar (I think that's what they're for?). It's somewhat odd, because I do remember her giving me those keys, but I just don't remember what they were for! Nor do I remember anyone named Trent.

But that's cool. I know I didn't sleep with anyone, at least. If nothing else, I would feel that today. Additionally, I suspect that Trent is the guy who walked me back to my car from the theater last night, and I do vaguely remember that part of last night. We didn't really do anything at all, actually; though I do remember us sitting in the car and speaking at length about something or another, and I also remember reassuring him that I was perfectly capable of driving. Damn me for being such a convincing liar when I want to be!

I do remember somehow getting lost when I drove home, and ending up somewhere north of the cities. When I finally got home, I messaged Gavin on Skype for almost an hour, and then we video Skyped for almost an hour while he was at work (I was so drunk that I actually said "isn't it a little late to be working right now?" or something like that -- had a good laugh over that remark when I re-read or conversation this morning!). I could barely keep my eyes open at that point, and Gavin wound up making some kind of snarky remark because I started showing him the message I had gotten earlier from the polyamorous guy that found me on Fetlife and OkC, so I got mad, hung up on him and passed out.

He was really kinda being a bitch last night, overall. He also became upset with me for not shutting up about how hot Gabrielle was (she was nothing short of amazing in person, so much prettier than her pictures). That's okay, though. I think I kinda deserved that treatment, and it wasn't too odious.

Jean Bardot Fetish Ball

Jean Bardot Fetish Ball!

Possible costumes....

First karate class

Today I had my very first karate lesson at The Midwest Karate Association of Saint Paul. After class, I sat down and conversed with the wife of the owner, Anita, and we had a really good conversation.

As with any kind of physical practice, I always inform them of my "medical condition" immediately, and the possible ways it might interfere with the class. Luckily, Anita actually knew quite a bit about vestibular disorders, and the only way in which it's impacted me is with my balance, something I know I can overcome through practice. (Ever since I went off of the Effexor back in 2009, I haven't had even one episode of vertigo, so there must have been a correlation.)

So I'm feeling pure elation after class tonight; I have a really good feeling about this entire thing. I totally made the right decision by deciding to pursue this right now.

I'll post some pics of my new karate clothes later, heh.

Degrees of insight.

Damn the Atlantic Ocean for being between the U.S. and the U.K.

It simply isn't right, I say!

*shakes her fist vigorously toward the east coast*

Gavin is seriously just the most amazing and most awesome person I've met in several years. Which leads me to ponder two questions: 1) why are Americans so fucking dumb, and 2) what are the fucking chances of finally meeting someone who lives up to my admittedly insane standards -- and then some! -- yet when I do, it would turn out that he happens to live half way across the world?

I mean, seriously, man. What are the odds?

But I'm thinking back to something Gavin told me several days ago. When I asked him why he had such a drastic and  sudden change of heart about me, he replied that there were three reasons, really.

1) He was slowly moving past that beastly little girl.
2) He was finally beginning to have a better understanding of my highly malleable nature and willingness to swim against the tide.
3) My nude photos really impressed him, along with the story of why I had gained so much weight over the past year; as well as the knowledge that I've actually been doing something about it.

He then said that, in light of the above, geography was really the only problem left, but it was one he could "happily ignore" since he was beginning to think we'd have some pretty "good times" together anyways...

And I wholeheartedly agree with his analysis. Hell, I'll even one up him. *I* have been absolutely convinced since the moment I first laid eyes on him that he and I were destined to take over this entire fucking world together. I still think I'm right about that. This is an almost frightening phenomenon for me, because I can honestly say that no one has ever made me feel like this before. He makes me contemplate the absurd, he has me dreaming up absolutely crazy things, and he makes me think thoughts I never dreamed any one ever could.

People will perhaps rightly tell me I need to check myself and my emotions before I end up getting very hurt. Hell, Gavin himself practically told me that very thing only a few nights ago while he was laying naked in the bathtub, quite literally on the verge of tears because he had been talking to me about what he once had with Ana. Watching him struggle to speak about such a painful experience was absolutely heart rending. I longed to be next to him, but only so that I could hold him while he unabashedly wept his heart out. I've never seen anyone more in need of a good cry.

That part of our conversation only served to deepen my my conviction that she's an incredibly unsophisticated child and with the emotional and intellectual maturity of a 10 year old. I'm positing right now that she was never worthy of him, but, from what I've been able to gather, he was so attracted to her physically and emotionally that it it blinded him to the real extent of their overall compatibility. He's highly empathic and has an honorable and highly laudable degree of compassion for others, qualities that inspire in me feelings of kinship with him, which in turn gives me a natural affinity for him. That is to say that I consider him an extremely likable person with whom I have uncanny similarities with and that I really *feel* him on a much deeper level.

However, as intelligent as he is, he's not intellectually infallible. For instance, look at how he perceives this whole thing with Ana, even though he's certainly intellectually capable of evaluating such circumstances with a keen prescience. It's almost sickening to hear him continue to make excuses for her unforgivable behavior behavior toward him. Why does he insist on conjuring up such absurd justifications for her ultimately selfish and inexcusable actions by attributing them to her highly dysfunctional bordering on pathologically anti-social tendencies? He does this much to his own detriment.

In his own exact words:

"Once everyone accepted that we'd be married, I guess, "a little voice in her head" started telling her to make sure it didn't happen -- subconsciously, of course."

But you know what I think? I think that instead of trying to logically rationalize and excuse her unforgivably selfish behavior. She has plainly exhibited a wanton disregard for the effect this kind of behavior would have upon the very people she supposedly cares for (one of the worst evils one human being can inflict upon another, in my humble opinion); therefore, he needs to utterly erase her existence from his life and treat her like the not-thought-through-well-enough, couple months waste of time she ultimately was. Because rather than wasting his efforts on trying to absolve her for any real blame for hurting him, he needs to bask in what is his right to feel a righteous indignation for her. Only then can he fully grieve for what he thought he once had with her, let go of the pain, and honestly move on with his life. 

Additionally, I suspect that, ultimately, when he examines their entire engagement months or maybe years from now, he will conclude that the relationship was based on farcical premises almost from the very get go. Because being 150% sexually compatible with someone is a great thing and all, but trying to build and maintain the foundations of a lasting romantic relationship requires that there be a plethora of other ways in which the two of you are more than well-suited for each other.

I don't think there's any easy way around this for him.

However, most importantly, in the course of writing this post, I had a presciently keen insight on just how it is I should conduct myself in his presence starting immediately. I think what *I* need to do -- and what I think Gavin needs me to do -- is to fulfill a different role in his life at this point in time. After recording my thoughts on this blog tonight, I'm even more convinced that I'm actually onto something here.

For instance, rather than openly vocalizing my thoughts about how utterly adorable he can be when he's doing something I think is cute (and being the overly romantic goosh ball I can be, that's all the time!), I need to learn to shut my mouth, keep it to myself, and stick to playing a supportive friend role for him, a role I believe will come quite naturally to me due to the already extant good-will I have for him and the genuine feelings of friendship that are already there. That is to say that it won't feel out of place or awkward at all to just being his friend for this current era of his life, because really, I suspect that Gavin would be much better off having a good, reliable friend that could objectively observe his situation and advise him (well, as objectively as one human can possibly be with another).

It's not so much that the dynamics of our relationship with each other necessarily needs to change; what it is is simply that I need to be more sensitive with how I handle him right now, and make every effort to show real prudence with how I treat Gavin. For instance, rather so openly than communicating to him my fervent desire to watch him have a dribble orgasm whilst daydreaming and rambling on to him about just how voraciously I want to be sucking him off at that very moment...

 *sigh*

I'm getting carried away again. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that he doesn't need someone hitting on him so immoderately right now the way I always do. What I do think is that he really does need some time and space in which to really sort out his feelings for Ana. I think that giving him adequate space to not only reflect events that have already transpired, but to really draw on the appropriate, most valuable lessons he can for the future would be most beneficial to him.

But I suppose I should be totally frank here about how much thinking about his warning to me a few days ago really kinda sunk in (belatedly), and how it caused all sorts of "self preservation" flags to go up. Which is to say that I now realize the extent to which I need to start being more protective of my own emotional vulnerabilities and approach this whole thing with much more cautiously than I have been. Because truth of the matter is that the intensity of the feelings I've had for Gavin are not reciprocated, no matter how hard I try to fool myself into thinking they are. I've gotta start being truthful with myself about this. I'm really not being fair to myself at all by pretending that Gavin isn't always thinking of her, first and foremost. And I can't deal with that very thought. I refuse to take second place to anyone, dammit, let alone a child of her stature. Nor should I have to.

In fact, I'm somewhat angry with myself now for having allowed this to go on for so long. But to be entirely fair to myself, I never really understood the full impact that his break up with her was having on him until a few  days ago, really, and certainly haven't sat down to articulate my thoughts about that revelation until tonight. Gavin is truly a mind-blowing individual, and I have no doubt whatsoever that we could both turn each others worlds inside out. But not like this, when he's in this state of mind. I want him to be completely over her first, and I wanna do what I can to facilitate that process.

Lastly, I just want to state for the official record that that girl's got nothing on me, dammit. Not only am I much prettier and more exotic than her aesthetically (yeah, that's pretty subjective, I know, but I'd be willing to bet you anything that my face would win over hers any day in a "who's more aesthetically appealing" show down. However, I will concede that she has a prettier eye color than I, and also that her body, at the present time, is also much prettier, as well. Just you wait until I work off this extra weight, however, because I promise you that she can't even hold a candle to my body when it looks the way it's supposed to); I can tell you without personal knowledge of her intellectual capacities that I'm far smarter, and that my judgement is more sound; I'm definitely more mature and much wiser; I'm a much better communicator than she could ever be (although, to be fair, English is my first language); oh, and I listen to much better metal, lol (in fact, I think my musical tastes period are exponentially superior to anyone who actually struggles to appreciate electronic music or it's various sub-genres at the age of 25).

But who even knows? I can freely admit that, perhaps, "I might be (dead) wrong" about everything I just wrote, and it merely showcases the deep insecurities I have about my own value and worth as a human being in the face of a perceived challenge to my "womanhood" (because yes, I freely admit that it infuriates me to no end that that fucking CHILD actually occupies a place in your heart that she not only doesn't deserve, but, well, a place in your heart that I fully intend on occupying, in time). You see, unlike that wench, I can see clearly and fully appreciate your unprecedented value and worth as a human being -- and I haven't even had the pleasure of knowing you for as long as she did! I've never met anything even remotely like you. I mean, I don't mean to come off as a starry eyed fool, viewing the world through rose tinted glasses and all. But, as Bill Hicks once said:

 "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

 I have no idea what that quote even has to do with anything I just wrote, which makes it even more humorous to quote it right now.

It will indeed be quite miraculous if this message didn't devolve into the incoherent mess of disparate and contradictory ideas that I suspect it may have. That's okay though, because I'm running on 48 hours without sleep, and I need to curl up under the covers and close my eyes.

One last thing, though. I just want to say that that CHILD you have the misfortune of calling your ex is so stupid that she didn't even know what kind of man she had in you. You're a diamond in the rough in every single way I can possibly imagine, and I want you to know that I would never be so stupid as to make that mistake with you.

Well, that is, unless you ever betrayed my trust in you, or some other sort of grievous misdeed for which I'm sure you can use your imagination.

Good night.

(And this is why I'm a total writer at heart -- I think through my writings, formulate new plans, and come up with ingenious solutions to all sorts of convoluted issues. Reading through this letter should be akin to watching evolution in action -- the varying degrees of insight I had with each paragraph was intellectually orgasmic.) 

My five seconds of internet fame.

So, my friend just messages me on Google Talk to request a "favor."

CaptainFUN: question: MAY I post nudie photos of you on there? I'd NEVER ask, but they're already easily available online, and there's no way to trace them back to you

Tamara: Hmm...  Where is this?

CaptainFUN: reddit. My number one most favorite site.

CaptainFUN: They have a segment where people post nudie photos, and it would help ME to become more popular/powerful in the community.
Tamara: lol
Tamara: Sure, go ahead

He then goes on the extol the photos themselves.

CaptainFUN: I'm not glad-handing you here, but they are some of the best webcam photos I've ever seen.

Tamara: Wow, really?

CaptainFUN: yes really.

Tamara: Man, you always make me blush so much.... You are TOO kind

CaptainFUN: you should know by now, I'm really not kind 

Tamara: I know, which is what makes your comments so sweet

CaptainFUN: awwww. 

So, he posts my photos on Reddit.com to be voted on and commented on. At the time of this post, I've only received 10 "up" votes, and had 3 comments (that's besides my friend), but it's extremely flattering thus far, nonetheless.

Nude photos on Reddit.com.

(You have to be registered with Reddit.com to view the nude pics -- but registration takes literally 10 seconds, max.)

Religious people are nerds.

Humorouos parallels.

Re-initiating yoga classes?

Speaking of lengthy conversations, Jeff called me last night and we wound up having a really in depth discussion for almost three hours, mostly about an issue him an Aida are having that she refuses to even acknowledge. We went off topic for a little bit, however, and began talking about martial arts. 

Specifically, about the immense influence of and incredibly positive impact that studying Bujinkon has had on his life. That started me thinking about how much I would love to study something that inspirational and life changing. He mentioned that he knew of a really good Kung-Fu instructor in Saint Paul, and I think I'm gonna look into that. I also toyed with the idea of researching yoga instructors in Saint Paul to find a really good one that I can begin taking classes from again. 

I miss my yoga classes so much, and initiating a practice of some sort, whether it be yoga or martial arts, will help to accelerate my tediously slow weight loss.