Subs

I got high in Trent's car last night before going to Ground Zero and wound up having a terrible time -- at least, until Angie showed up around 11-12 pm. Not sure if there's a correlation between smoking right before we got there and the fact that I almost couldn't stand myself for being a part of such a large crowd of utter losers, but there may well be, seeing as how I'm well known for being overly critical and analytical whilst stoned.

Luckily, Angie showed up, and her friends were actually pretty cool, especially the guy dressed as, get this, a retard with a raging boner, not shitting you. That was one of the best costumes I saw all night, football helmet, dirty clothes and all. More importantly, however, were the three conversations I had following my lame experience that truly caused me to reconsider BDSM as a whole; with Angie, my brother, and Gabrielle earlier today.

After speaking with Angie and my brother, I started to reconsider just how into BDSM I really am. It was only after speaking with Gabrielle that I started to reconsider even that.

See, after having spent so much time around all these submissive types, I just grew repulsed with the whole thing. I hate to say this, and it sounds so mean, I know, but I think my experience with Trent has been traumatizing me toward the all of it, and Gabrielle really helped me put that into perspective today. I realized that, for as much as I like being the more dominant one in a relationship, I don't really want that all the time.

Plainly stated, I just can't really respect anyone as submissive as Trent is...

Then I started thinking that I must be a switch. And then Angie and I observed that BDSM'ers tend to let that aspect of their sexuality define them. It's as if the fact that they're into BDSM shapes their very existence! While my sexuality is certainly a large part of who I am, there's so much more to me then what Tamara is like in the bedroom...

To put it bluntly, sure I love to dominate; however, I do not like most subs. They annoy the fuck out of me.

Oh, and I don't really have a list of fetishes or anything. I just like to fuck twenty four hours a day everyday. I don't really care for putting on an act; I just like to fuck, lol.

What is BDSM?

I had two lengthy conversations tonight about that very question, and I think I've arrived at a few heartfelt conclusions that are true; however, maybe I'll write about that when I'm actually sober, lol.

Where are the beautiful people?

Things are starting to get back to normal, thus proving that time really does heal all wounds.

I've been skating a lot with Angie, and doing karate and yoga in my spare time. Oh, and I've been masturbating a lot, heh. That toy that I got from Sex World the other day is simply unreal, and because I'm multi-orgasmic, it is just too much fun to sit there and bring myself to orgasm over and over again.

*sigh*

I could (and have) spend hours on myself easy. I can't wait until I find someone worth my while once more so that I can start being sexually active again. I'm practically a reborn again virgin right now.

As harsh as it sounds, most people just bore the hell out of me, and I'd rather endure celibacy than ever settle for someone not "worth my dirty shoes", quote unquote. Why is it that most people are just so disappointing? Especially guys. And don't even get me started on the inadequacy of most mens' equipment...

Eh.

I just feel kinda blah right now; it sucks, really. I want to be excited about stuff, and honestly, I certainly have a lot to be excited about right now, but I feel pretty down any ways.

Who knows.

This too shall pass. Yoga tonight was good; Casandra gave us a nice guided muscle relaxation in chavasana tonight. But aside from yoga, I decided to give my body a little break because I'm really sore right now (my quads are killing me). I have karate at 5:30 tomorrow, but I'm gonna hold off on skating until Friday.

!!!

So I totally aced my job interview today; the first manager I spoke with just loved me, and virtually hired me on the spot. Although they still need to check both of my references still before I'm officially offered the job, that should be nothing. So I have a decent job for the time being, and I'm really happy about that.

I wound up being at Wal-mart for over two hours today, and following that, I had karate lessons. We spent the whole class working on downward block and then did some more work on Heian Shodan, the first Kata. Every day I see tangible improvements which is really encouraging, although I still have quite a ways to go; but I'm completely fine with that. I'm not in a hurry to get the next belt, and being totally new to martial arts period, I need to take things much slower than most of my peers, who I've found tend to be familiar with at least one other discipline.

After karate, I came home and played Scrabble for an hour, then went down stairs to help my mom with preparing dinner (she made this awesome stir-fry and manaeesh, an Arabic dish) before driving to Roller Garden in Saint Louis Park to meet up with Angie and skate for about an hour and a half, which of course was super fun. Not to mention one hell of a cardiovascular work out. I'm definitely getting much better at it -- I didn't even fall once the entire time!

Tomorrow I may go to an early skating session with Angie from 12:00-3:00, and then I've got yoga. Hopefully I'll hear back from the Wal-mart manager, Reed, as well. But right now, I'm sleepy as hell (surprisingly)...

"Today was a good day"

I started the day off with a wonderful yoga class instructed by Sensei Anita. Before class, Sensei Anita and I sat on our mats and had a lengthy conversation about the injury I have in my hips (a rotated sacroiliac joint) from the car accident while we waited for the other students to arrive; nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised that she decided to devote the class to doing a plethora of poses that were focused on opening the hips and hamstring stretches and strengtheners.

I truly feel so lucky to have found the Midwest Karate Association.

I went to Wal-mart in West Saint Paul in the early afternoon to follow up on the application I submitted last week and spoke to the hiring manager, Reed. Apparently he's tried to contact me a few times this week already to set up an interview, so I'm really glad I went in and spoke to him (I'm so bad about listening to my messages sometimes). He set up an interview for me on Monday at 1:00 P.M., which I take to mean I've essentially got the job already, because I always ace my interviews.

In the evening, Trent and I went to a rink in Woodbury and skated for a few hours -- that was a really good cardiovascular work out, to be sure. Additionally, it was a lot of fun, actually. Angie was right -- skating is totally addictive.

So, to quote Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

My terrorist credentials have been cemented

I was getting out of the shower yesterday afternoon when my mother stops me, towel clad and all, to inform me that they've been talking about our close relative, the leader of Hamas -- Khalid Mashal -- on Al Jazeera all day. :P

Although, I do hope that when I become rich and famous, no one will hold my familial relations against me.

Starting to feel a little better

Today was hard. At least, it started that way; however, it got much better as the day progressed.

When I finally managed to get myself out of the house, I went to The Refinery for a Brazilian, and following that, attended Sensei Anita's evening yoga class, which wound up being just what I needed. Yoga is is almost as good as traveling in that it always gives me new perspective.

Speaking of traveling, I came to a decision about my U.K./Israel travels; that is that I'm definitely going to hold off for a little bit here. While I certainly look forward to both trips, I need to feel better mentally. I've been busy trying to occupy myself for every minute of the day so that I don't have time to think about things that should hold no importance, and I'm just going to keep up with that plan. On the plus side, I've been throwing myself into my karate and yoga classes, so at least it's been really good for me.

Comfortably numb

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not entirely positive why I've been so depressed lately. I really don't have a very good reason to be if I spend any time thinking about it. Things are about to get so much better for me; I truly have so many things to be looking forward to.

After Anton died last year, it seems as if my life came to a halt, and now I'm about to start picking up the pieces again -- I have a plan for the first time in so long, a plan to finally get my life back on track. A plan to take a much needed vacation, and come back rejuvenated and refreshed, ready to take on the world again. A plan to finally finish my last year of school so I can start thinking about law schools or possibly graduate schools. I have plans! I have my very life to look forward to!

Yet this deep sadness has been with me for weeks now... and who am I kidding; I know exactly why it's been with me. However, it's so stupid, and I'm so ashamed of myself for feeling this way that I just can't bring myself articulate it. Besides, the last thing I want to do is to give these ridiculous feelings any legitimacy by vocalizing them.They don't even deserve that much. It's stupid; this entire thing is absolutely mind-numbingly retarded, and I will not allow myself to feel anything for what should represent nothing to me.

I just need a few days to relegate this shit back to the hole from which it came. I can do this.

Literotica.com published my story!

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The do's and don'ts of giving exquisite head

God, reading this makes me want to give someone I'm really into head so badly.

*sigh*

Just maybe I'll strike gold tonight and find a super hot Opeth fan at the show in a few hours who I'll strike up a conversation with and then suck him off so unbelievably well he'll think he died and went to heaven. Man, one can only hope.

Anyways, I was just searching literotica.com for some hot short stories about giving head (jeez, it's not obvious what I want to be doing right now!), and I stumbled across a really good "how to" guide on how to give someone the blow job of their dreams that I'm going to repost here for later reference.

None of this is really news to me, but it is a good refresher and primer. Now to read more stories!

Functional, not intentional racism

Despite putting some serious effort into trying, I just couldn't sleep last night. My mind was running in overdrive and I just couldn't silence my thoughts long enough. I managed to get a few hours under my belt in the wee hours of the morning, and that was enough to keep me going throughout the day.

But if one good thing came from my inability to rest, it's that, after spending all that time ruminating on how the status quo became what it is, I finally figure it out. That is, I can explain Gavin's seemingly abrupt loss of interest in me with a simple equation which goes like this:

1. Conspiracy theorists are always convinced that they are somehow privy to "the truth" that everyone else is just too "brain washed", blind, or unintelligent enough to see. It's just part of the whole conspiracy theorist minded mentality -- it's literally part and parcel of ever believing that you are part of an elite minority of chosen folks that are, for whatever reason, more intelligent than the rest of us low lives that feed from the trough of lies that the "main stream" media feed us like the cattle we are. 
2.  I need to emphasize just how much of an elitist ideology this really is, although if I were to ever try and present him with logical, well reasoned arguments that were clearly indicative of the gross logical fallacy he's been making, he would only get extremely angry and write me off right then and there.
3. Finally, my conclusion: although at the moment I'm unsure what exactly served as a trigger for his recent detachment from and anger towards me, I must have said something that only affirmed his belief that I'm a "brain washed" American whose patriotism has blinded her to ever being able to see "the truth" (which, we must remember, I can only be privy to should a member of an "elite" minority of hyper-intelligent people choose to impart upon me their infinite wisdom).

*sigh*

An utterly disgusting and close minded belief system is exactly what it is. It's sickening how he can believe such crap.

To quote something Liam explained to me tonight, I think he put it rather succinctly:

People who do this are, I find, not particularly reflective, or at least have not analyzed their beliefs carefully in light of what else they know. (That's very common, of course; look at how people accept science and religion simultaneously, as if they were not contradictory explanations for the world.) I would opine that people who hold these beliefs have either not realized their significance or meaning, or have not questioned them by reference to their lived experience (i.e., your having Jewish friends).

Words to live by

Quote of the day:

"You're smart, beautiful, and have plenty to offer a partner. You don't need a crazy kid who "makes no sense" and has these emotional shut-downs..."

Liam made a damn good point tonight, one that I'm seriously considering. That is that I should forego London for the time being, at least until I'm over Gavin, because going to London when I'm still this into him is just gonna cause me to obsess over him the entire time I'm there.

I think he has a damn good point, one that I truly hadn't even considered. I'm honestly not even sure how I would even begin to back out of going to London at this stage -- everyone is expecting me to go. But Liam's right (he usually is); I truly am much better off without this kid. I'm so sick and tired of his crazy mood swings. I can't handle such an emotionally unstable train wreck of an individual anymore.

(I'll write more tomorrow.)

3:00 A.M. (heavily revised)

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A lazy Sunday

Not having internet at home temporarily is a total pain in the arse because I do everything online, I realized.

Thus, to get online now, I've been coming up to my two favorite internet cafes in Dinkytown, Minneapolis -- Espresso Royale and Hard Times. The latter might usurp the former because they (generally) play awesome metal. At least, one of the baristas introduced me to some amazing sounding atmospheric metal by a band named The Acacia Strain tonight.

Makes me miss living here so much; speaking of which, I've formulated tentative plans to move here at some point next year. However, too much is in limbo right now for me to be any more specific than that.

In other news, I still haven't been able to buy my ticket to London and Israel because my mother has recently borrowed almost all of my money to pay for two MRI scans that her doctor felt were imperative, but I'm still looking forward to my trip so much. But at this point, actually buying the ticket is entirely contingent on when her and Khaled receive a settlement from their insurance company, which sounds like it may happen in the next few weeks. They'll find out for sure on Thursday.

In the meantime, I've been preparing. Gavin served as the initial motivating force for my trip, but he's been so distant lately, and I've found plenty of other reasons for traveling. Primarily, seeing my Jess after what seems like forever (since summer of 2010) will be epic in and of itself, and having her show me around London for a week sounds like a dream come true. I'm so outrageously flattered that she's actually taking the week off for the time that I'll be there -- she's a defense attorney for a large international firm, she's always extremely busy, and even the idea that she would put some of her busy life on hold to do this for me really solidifies her already immovable standing as one of the closest and best friends I've ever had in my life. I've never actually spent any time in Europe before (layovers in airports aside), so this will not only be a brand new experience for me, but following that with another year in Israel makes me look forward to the next year so much.

That's right. My aunt Deborah wants me to come join her at this job she she claims can net me 4k a month, but above all, it's an excuse to live outside of the country for awhile. Then, when I do come back to America,  I plan on going right back to school to finally finish up my degree and start thinking of law schools. I'm thinking I'll come back for summer or fall semester of next year, so either May or August. We'll see how everything works out. But I really do need to go back to school finish up -- I've been out of school since Anton died in November 2009, and this new medication they have me on has been nothing short of a miracle; it completely changed my life for the better. Anton's death utterly destroyed me for so long, and it's so funny how Gavin has no idea whatsoever of just how much meeting him dramatically changed my life and finally enabled me to accept the irreversibility of Anton's death, really facilitating the almost insurmountable task of moving on after something like that (not that I thought his death was reversible or anything, but the death of anyone as smart as he was with such a bright future at the tender age of only 23 hasn't become any more comprehensible with time by any means!).  

Anyways, no doubt that it'll be so nice to spend a substantial amount of time living in another country, it'll be a great financial opportunity, and when I do return to America next year, I'll have a plethora of what I know will be life changing experiences under my belt. I need that fresh perspective on life that traveling gives you; my life has been so stagnant for far too long.

I can't ever go this long without getting out of Minnesota again.

(More about my plans for next year later.)