A perfect love song

So, I was sobbing to Liam about Butt-Muncher tonight, much to my shame, when he mentioned this song:

As Is -- Ani Difranco

That song is just the most perfect love song I've ever heard.

Why polyamory?

Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory

So often monogamous couples have mismatched libidos or similar challenges, and have limited options on how to remedy that situation. This adds up to a LOT of people not getting their needs met, which results in a bunch of unfulfilled and unhappy folks. This leads to insecurity and fear, which is often unfairly projected on others.

Why is it acceptable in our society to love more than one sport with a passion? Read different books? Why is it acceptable to love more than one child? Yet it’s not okay to love more than one person romantically at a time.

I compare monogamy to a Chinese takeout menu. Let’s pretend you can choose whatever you want from that menu, which is still plenty of variety. But then one day someone offers you an Italian menu. Would you stick with the same diet you’ve been eating for months, or would you want to try something new?  (This is not to say that you wouldn’t go back to your preferred meal after you’ve tasted the other.)

Our brains thrive on novel experiences. It’s natural for that to have a sexual outlet, as sex is such an integral part of our makeup.

My friend says, “Love is like an ocean, not a bathtub. One person doesn’t need to get out in order for another to get in.”

I tweeted that quote and a man replied, “But you can be eaten by sharks, capsized in a storm, captured by pirates, sunk by torpedoes in the ocean, much less likely in bath.”

This man very wisely observed that embarking on emotional uncharted territories comes with risk. But it can also reap huge rewards.

Polyamory IS more complicated. Polyamory is NOT superior. I strive to find other poly people who are as stable as we are, and keep coming up short. As I watch my friends cycle through their maddening poly dramas, I wonder if it’s such a good relationship model, after all. But here’s a thought:  maybe the goal isn’t to have a healthy relationship.

Maybe the unspoken goal is to intensify the living experience.

Just as some people express their passions through salsa dancing, running marathons, or climbing mountains, polys follow their passion through loving. Since sex is so taboo in our society, polys are more often misunderstood and feared than people with mainstream passions.

It’s endearing for a woman to run a cupcake blog and bake a different cupcake recipe every day of the year. It’s admirable for a couple to grow prized orchids or breed teacup Chihuahuas. But to love Peggy AND Sue at the same time? That’s scary.

And no matter how much of a trainwreck the poly person is portraying on Twitter, he or she is living open and honestly in a culture that treats sex as something to be ashamed of. I have huge respect for their authentic approach.

Here’s a little secret: polyamorous relationships often include sex (some joke that is should be called polyfuckery), but not always. I’ve had several people contact me describing their unusual situation: for example, the wife’s best friend has been living with them for over five years. There’s no sex involved, but they do everything together, they consider her part of the family, and they even joke about her being “his other wife.” They ask me, is that poly?

I say yes. The poly groups I’ve polled agree with me.