Ultimately, I know he's right. And maybe he's right when he tells me I only think something's wrong with it because I don't fully understand it. I mean, as long as he's not hurting anyone else, the worst he could do, I suppose, is make himself very sick.
Sure, his behavior isn't even remotely "normal," but what the hell is "normal" about a lot of what I do or even my life, anyways? Who am I or any one else to pass judgement on him or try to control his desires?
One thing I'm not quite sure I'd be able to deal with, though, is him getting "his fix" elsewhere. But really, what disturbs me about that most, quite honestly, is the thought that I couldn't be the one to fulfill any of his fantasies (besides the very thought of him copulating with another woman, that is).
Or could I?
I honestly don't know if I could ever do some of what he wants, but maybe that could change over time? After all, I will not be upstaged by that emotional train wreck he calls his ex-bitch, Ana. Just the very thought that that obtuse little simpleton could do anything for him that I couldn't makes my blood curdle. Grrr...
*sigh*
But I do have to be honest with myself. Right now, as things stand, at this point in my life I couldn't possibly do the overwhelming majority of what he wrote about in his "list."
Moreover, I'm not sure how I should feel about what he said. When he told me that "if it wasn't with [me], it would be with someone else," I immediately thought, "The fuck ever anyone else is gonna touch you!"
But upon further thought, I did just start reading this book on how open relationships are actually far more natural than monogamous ones. Furthermore, I just had a idea...
What if we agreed to have an open relationship? I mean, I'm certainly not making any final decisions right now, but what if? Could I ever be alright knowing he was with someone else physically if I knew that he would remain loyal to me emotionally? Not loyal in the sense that he would never give his love to anyone else, I suppose, because it's almost impossible to not feel love for or even just close to someone you're being physically intimate with. But perhaps loyal in the sense that I could always rely on him to be there when I needed him. That he wouldn't ever just lose interest in me because he had found someone else. That ultimately, his first loyalty would always be to me.
Obviously, the same would have to apply to me. But even if we did have that kind of understanding with each other, I'm not sure that I would ever be able to utilize it, really.
Take Brent, for example. Even the very thought of physical intimacy with Brent makes me feel queasy. And Gavin knows this. He totally has me wrapped around his little pinky, and he so knows it -- every time I even think of anyone else, I always wind up making comparison's between them and Gavin in my head.
And sure enough, he always wins.
But maybe -- just maybe -- that's truly not a healthy way to be. Maybe what I really need to do is strategize just how I'm going to overcome what I always believed were my innate tendencies to be so loyal to the people that I loved. Or rather, maybe I need to redefine "loyalty" and what I think it means to be "loyal." Or maybe what I need do is look at "loyalty" in a totally different way.
I'm indeed going to seriously consider this idea some more...
I've never met anyone like this before; hell, I've never even imagined anyone like him before. And I mean that in such a good way! But he's such an esoteric taste to have, I know that. Almost every one that I've told about this fascination for and the love I have for Gavin strongly cautions me against him (which really is only a few people, at this point), other than Ryan and another one of my internet-only buddies, Scott.
But I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. He's totally my kind of guy; I think everything about him is utterly fascinating. I'm totally captivated by all of the little quirks that make him who he is. And like I said, that's okay, because I know that they just don't understand the kind of person he is.
Right about this time is normally right about the point in any relationship where I simply become tired/sick of/bored with someone, a little more or less (usually much less). It's truly a miracle that I'm not sick of this kid yet; really, it is. I wonder if that has anything to with the lack of proximity? Surely it does, right? But truthfully, I can't foresee myself ever getting tired of him or all of his little idiosyncrasies.
He's really the kind of guy I could spend a lifetime with...
