Just got the book Attached:The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love in the mail today (first time amazon.com had been late delivering a package EVER -- for me, at least), and I'm actually a good ways into the book already. It's utterly fascinating stuff (despite the kind of lame subtitle, the book is totally unlike any other "self-help" book I've read), all told from an evolutionary biology/scientific perspective.
Attached -- Amir Levine
I cannot recommend this book highly enough to any one who, like me, actually thinks that there is something wrong with their interpersonal relationships. But I'll hold off on saying any more until I've actually finished the book...
The hyperlink below the "jump break" is to a quiz inside the book that will pinpoint what your attachment style is. Additionally, here is a link to A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research, for any one that wants to know more about the substance of this book.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
As I was doing some reading yesterday, I stumbled across a sentence in a very interesting article about how public opinion is formed:
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
How devious!Another recent study found that when accusations or assertions are met with silence, they are more likely to feel true, said Peter Kim, an organizational psychologist at the University of Southern California.
Skyping with my darling James causes me to reconsider
Readers of my blog will be familiar with the great "philosophical epiphany" from my last post.
Oh yes.
It was nothing short of totally epic, to be sure! Because, for about a day now, I've been convinced that something must be seriously wrong with my "emotional attachment style." At the time, I determined that there was no doubt that this is primarily due to my relations with James...
The three questions that plagued me:
1) Why do I spend so much time thinking about him?
2) Why do I frequently worry that he's up and decided that he hates me?
3) Why is it that I exhibit a need for excessive self-reassurance from him (i.e. feeling the need to ask him things like, "do you REALLY find me sexually attractive?")
Now, for the discerning reader, I shall provide a little background.
I awoke early today as I had a gazillion things I needed to accomplish. I was at my computer, answering some email and messages from Modelmayhem.com, when my mind began to wander to events that took place yesterday. I went back and reread yesterday's "epiphany" to remind myself of just how I had arrived at the conclusion that I was suddenly so abnormal, reliving the entire process of how I had arrived where I was today in my head.
Not yet seeing any errors in my logic, a feeling of desperation began to overcome me. "My god, something is really wrong with me!" I thought to myself over and over again.
The self-help book I had ordered only the day before was due to arrive at some point today, and surely that alone was a wonderful way to embark on this nascent journey to fix myself. But what would I do in the mean time? How could I ever even leave my room again knowing that I had officially joined the ranks of a type of person I have always loathed and looked down upon -- a meek, overly passive pushover with no self-esteem, emotionally weak codependent person!
No, I didn't have time on my hands to wait even hours -- I had to start fixing myself this minute. So I racked my brain for a few minutes, contemplating all of the options I could conjure up at eight o' clock in the morning before arriving at a decision. .
You see, knowledge is power, and surely I could only begin to fight such a demon when I knew who the demon is, what it can and can't do, and just how this demon ever became extant in the first place. The answer was as simple as it was obvious -- I had to educate myself about just what this "codependency" phenomenon is, which meant I had a LOT of reading to do in my future.
"Well, I had better get started. Who has time to wait for like five hours for the mailman to arrive in the afternoon?" I thought to myself, "Not I."
I sat back down at my computer and began my research. Unfortunately, a simple Amazon.com search turned up well over 1,200 books on codependency alone! Thus, I began reading about all of the books that were the most popular on the topic, quickly concluding that I was going to have to be very meticulous about the author, as the overwhelming majority of the most popular and recommended titles were written from a Christian perspective. I don't care how popular the book is, or how well written it might be -- there's just absolutely no way I could ever stomach some religious fanatic telling me that to find inner peace, I must turn to god. No, I need something grounded in reality and written from a scientific perspective.
I finally settled on a book authored by two PhD's that took an approach that was unlike the popular 12-Step method being advocated by so many. Without hesitation, I purchased the PC kindle version of it so that I could begin reading it right away; hopefully I still had time to finish it before the mailman got here with the next book. It was going to be a long day.
"Unfortunately" (wrapped in quotes because, in retrospect, I'm not sure just how unfortunate it really was), turns out I had only made it to about mid-way through the second chapter by the time I noticed that the object of my infatuation, my darling James, had logged onto Skype.
After a few cordial words to greet him, I immediately launched into a diatribe about what I had slowly been realizing during my reading: codependency shmodependency! This wasn't a book for me. No, this was a book written for people struggling with codependent tendencies, and there was just no possible way I could fall into that category after all. As I got to a list of characteristics that were indicative of whether or not you fit the mold, my repulsion was turning to anger. What a waste of time and money!
You see, the book was painting a picture of a kind of person that I've always viewed as the most pathetic, annoying kind. The "checklist" denoting whether you were codependent contained such items as:
Once I began to realize just how diametrically opposed to my very being codependency is, I grew both very angry and very confused. What's worse is, the more I thought about it, I could hardly believe that merely hours ago, I had constructed a personal narrative that dictated that my initial insight was supported by an ample amount of evidence that I was now realizing couldn't possibly be true. Hell no, I wasn't codependent, and I have never been codependent -- the very idea of codependency, relying on others for happiness, is something that I've always seen as disgusting. Actually, the very opposite is true; I have always been a fiercely independent person. How could I have entertained the thought that I'd ever let my own happiness be contingent upon the happiness or another? How could I NOT have known better!
But was this only another example of just how paradoxical so many things about me are? Or rather -- as I was beginning to strongly suspect -- could this be a case of misidentifying and mislabeling certain information that is actually representative of an entirely different problem altogether? Because surely something about my behavior was amiss -- I don't think that had managed to fabricate such unhealthy personality traits. But contrary to my prevailing thoughts in the past twenty four hours, I'm extremely lucky to have led the life that I have. I come from an extremely loving home and I have a very close, tight-nit family that have always been 100% supportive of me in my endeavors.
Sure, one could interpret a tumultuous childhood such as the one I had as a traumatic experience that any one would need years upon years of psychotherapy to ever overcome. But that's actually not true of mine, and was only able to ever be true for a few brief moments yesterday because I chose to see them that way in order to comport with a diagnosis I had been convinced myself MUST be true.
No, I'm a very lucky girl indeed, for I was birthed by one of the most loving human beings in this world, a woman for whom my admiration and love is incessant and abounding. She may not have a formal education in our society due to circumstances that were beyond her control, but she is such a good woman, which is nothing short of amazing after enduring the traumas that have befallen her in this world. She is and always has been one of the main reasons I am so determined to make something of myself in this life -- she is why I have to succeed. There's just no other option.
The unconditional love she has given me ever since I was a nascent child in her tiny little womb means I owe everything that I am to her.
For even though the man that is my biological father was once able to inflict so much pain on the child that I used to be; and even though he cruelly abandoned me during my formative years, my home was never lacking for love and affection -- she used all of her strength to be the mother and father I so desperately needed during that era of my life, emotionally and financially. My mother was repeatedly beaten and raped by her new husband at the tender age of twenty years old, after an arranged marriage she only agreed to so that her family would allow her to come to America to study. But after the wedding, he went against his word, and denied her the very education he had promised her and my family.
I could go on for quite awhile enumerating and describing his evil deeds in more detail than any child should ever be able to recall, but it's much too painful for me to remember -- I can't even imagine how mother manages to live with it every day of her life.
So earlier today, as we sat discussing some of our more unpleasant memories together, I wound up having the epiphany that I should have had yesterday. Because I knew then that I was entirely mistaken -- I misidentified exactly what it was, but I do indeed have a very serious issue that impedes upon my emotional relationships that causes me to exhibit very unhealthy behaviors at times...
It's not that I have a problem with establishing healthy emotional relationships with men so much as it IS that I have a very deep seated fear of abandonment that causes me so much unnecessary anxiety and fear -- sometimes, and only with certain people. Yet, it's not that I'm afraid of ever being attached to someone because I know they could leave me, per se -- rather, it's that I desperately crave romantic emotional intimacy with another person...
To be continued...
Oh yes.
It was nothing short of totally epic, to be sure! Because, for about a day now, I've been convinced that something must be seriously wrong with my "emotional attachment style." At the time, I determined that there was no doubt that this is primarily due to my relations with James...
The three questions that plagued me:
1) Why do I spend so much time thinking about him?
2) Why do I frequently worry that he's up and decided that he hates me?
3) Why is it that I exhibit a need for excessive self-reassurance from him (i.e. feeling the need to ask him things like, "do you REALLY find me sexually attractive?")
Now, for the discerning reader, I shall provide a little background.
I awoke early today as I had a gazillion things I needed to accomplish. I was at my computer, answering some email and messages from Modelmayhem.com, when my mind began to wander to events that took place yesterday. I went back and reread yesterday's "epiphany" to remind myself of just how I had arrived at the conclusion that I was suddenly so abnormal, reliving the entire process of how I had arrived where I was today in my head.
Not yet seeing any errors in my logic, a feeling of desperation began to overcome me. "My god, something is really wrong with me!" I thought to myself over and over again.
The self-help book I had ordered only the day before was due to arrive at some point today, and surely that alone was a wonderful way to embark on this nascent journey to fix myself. But what would I do in the mean time? How could I ever even leave my room again knowing that I had officially joined the ranks of a type of person I have always loathed and looked down upon -- a meek, overly passive pushover with no self-esteem, emotionally weak codependent person!
No, I didn't have time on my hands to wait even hours -- I had to start fixing myself this minute. So I racked my brain for a few minutes, contemplating all of the options I could conjure up at eight o' clock in the morning before arriving at a decision. .
You see, knowledge is power, and surely I could only begin to fight such a demon when I knew who the demon is, what it can and can't do, and just how this demon ever became extant in the first place. The answer was as simple as it was obvious -- I had to educate myself about just what this "codependency" phenomenon is, which meant I had a LOT of reading to do in my future.
"Well, I had better get started. Who has time to wait for like five hours for the mailman to arrive in the afternoon?" I thought to myself, "Not I."
I sat back down at my computer and began my research. Unfortunately, a simple Amazon.com search turned up well over 1,200 books on codependency alone! Thus, I began reading about all of the books that were the most popular on the topic, quickly concluding that I was going to have to be very meticulous about the author, as the overwhelming majority of the most popular and recommended titles were written from a Christian perspective. I don't care how popular the book is, or how well written it might be -- there's just absolutely no way I could ever stomach some religious fanatic telling me that to find inner peace, I must turn to god. No, I need something grounded in reality and written from a scientific perspective.
I finally settled on a book authored by two PhD's that took an approach that was unlike the popular 12-Step method being advocated by so many. Without hesitation, I purchased the PC kindle version of it so that I could begin reading it right away; hopefully I still had time to finish it before the mailman got here with the next book. It was going to be a long day.
"Unfortunately" (wrapped in quotes because, in retrospect, I'm not sure just how unfortunate it really was), turns out I had only made it to about mid-way through the second chapter by the time I noticed that the object of my infatuation, my darling James, had logged onto Skype.
After a few cordial words to greet him, I immediately launched into a diatribe about what I had slowly been realizing during my reading: codependency shmodependency! This wasn't a book for me. No, this was a book written for people struggling with codependent tendencies, and there was just no possible way I could fall into that category after all. As I got to a list of characteristics that were indicative of whether or not you fit the mold, my repulsion was turning to anger. What a waste of time and money!
You see, the book was painting a picture of a kind of person that I've always viewed as the most pathetic, annoying kind. The "checklist" denoting whether you were codependent contained such items as:
- Feeling trapped in an abusive relationship and unable to end it for fear of losing the other person
- Feeling as if you haven't any worth as a person
- Always thinking about your partner's happiness first and foremost
- Feeling the need to control everything about your partner, such as what kind of clothes they wear or whether or not they can partake in certain activities (i.e. going out with friends, having any kind of life independent from the life you have together, etc...)
- Faking tears to get what you want
- Feeling controlled by the feelings of others
- Wishing others would like and love you more...
- Feeling helpless and powerless to change the situation
Once I began to realize just how diametrically opposed to my very being codependency is, I grew both very angry and very confused. What's worse is, the more I thought about it, I could hardly believe that merely hours ago, I had constructed a personal narrative that dictated that my initial insight was supported by an ample amount of evidence that I was now realizing couldn't possibly be true. Hell no, I wasn't codependent, and I have never been codependent -- the very idea of codependency, relying on others for happiness, is something that I've always seen as disgusting. Actually, the very opposite is true; I have always been a fiercely independent person. How could I have entertained the thought that I'd ever let my own happiness be contingent upon the happiness or another? How could I NOT have known better!
But was this only another example of just how paradoxical so many things about me are? Or rather -- as I was beginning to strongly suspect -- could this be a case of misidentifying and mislabeling certain information that is actually representative of an entirely different problem altogether? Because surely something about my behavior was amiss -- I don't think that had managed to fabricate such unhealthy personality traits. But contrary to my prevailing thoughts in the past twenty four hours, I'm extremely lucky to have led the life that I have. I come from an extremely loving home and I have a very close, tight-nit family that have always been 100% supportive of me in my endeavors.
Sure, one could interpret a tumultuous childhood such as the one I had as a traumatic experience that any one would need years upon years of psychotherapy to ever overcome. But that's actually not true of mine, and was only able to ever be true for a few brief moments yesterday because I chose to see them that way in order to comport with a diagnosis I had been convinced myself MUST be true.
No, I'm a very lucky girl indeed, for I was birthed by one of the most loving human beings in this world, a woman for whom my admiration and love is incessant and abounding. She may not have a formal education in our society due to circumstances that were beyond her control, but she is such a good woman, which is nothing short of amazing after enduring the traumas that have befallen her in this world. She is and always has been one of the main reasons I am so determined to make something of myself in this life -- she is why I have to succeed. There's just no other option.
The unconditional love she has given me ever since I was a nascent child in her tiny little womb means I owe everything that I am to her.
For even though the man that is my biological father was once able to inflict so much pain on the child that I used to be; and even though he cruelly abandoned me during my formative years, my home was never lacking for love and affection -- she used all of her strength to be the mother and father I so desperately needed during that era of my life, emotionally and financially. My mother was repeatedly beaten and raped by her new husband at the tender age of twenty years old, after an arranged marriage she only agreed to so that her family would allow her to come to America to study. But after the wedding, he went against his word, and denied her the very education he had promised her and my family.
I could go on for quite awhile enumerating and describing his evil deeds in more detail than any child should ever be able to recall, but it's much too painful for me to remember -- I can't even imagine how mother manages to live with it every day of her life.
So earlier today, as we sat discussing some of our more unpleasant memories together, I wound up having the epiphany that I should have had yesterday. Because I knew then that I was entirely mistaken -- I misidentified exactly what it was, but I do indeed have a very serious issue that impedes upon my emotional relationships that causes me to exhibit very unhealthy behaviors at times...
It's not that I have a problem with establishing healthy emotional relationships with men so much as it IS that I have a very deep seated fear of abandonment that causes me so much unnecessary anxiety and fear -- sometimes, and only with certain people. Yet, it's not that I'm afraid of ever being attached to someone because I know they could leave me, per se -- rather, it's that I desperately crave romantic emotional intimacy with another person...
To be continued...