In the mail: The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy. I just started the book today, and I just read through this section subtitled, "How do you know you're a top?"(P. 6)
That's a good question, because as they rightly point out, there's a huge difference between being dominant and being a top, as they define it.
"...the easiest way to know if you're a top is to take a hard look at your fantasies. Being a dominant person in real life doesn't necessarily mean you're a top -- many people who are hard driving Type As prefer to bottom...
On the other hand, if giving direction, taking control, or inflicting strong sensation sends you into a panic, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not a top."
I think that's Gavin's greatest contribution to my life and growth as an individual -- causing me to have intense fantasies about him over the past month, fantasies that really helped me understand something about my sexuality I've never understood before.
In retrospect, it really should have been so obvious to me after my relationship with JD that I have a serious thing for extremely submissive, passive males. That "look" Gavin gets in his eyes that I'm always going on about, that's the exact same look JD used to give me (back when JD was a super hottie, that is).
Somehow, though, I always I thought preferred "normal," "vanilla" sex like everyone else.
If I can extract one lesson from the time I've spent with Gavin over the past month, it's that my sexuality truly isn't very "vanilla" at all. Not that I don't appreciate normal, "vanilla" sex anymore; only that what my sexuality truly desires is something much more...
I want to learn how to be a loving, nurturing top.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Feel the rage
He totally hates me right now. I'm normally loathe to say anything resembling, "I can feel it," but I really can. It's not like him to be so curt and almost formal with me.
Perhaps he's just still really annoyed with me for exhibiting so much concern over his fantasies (and who can blame him? I mean, how could it be rational for anyone to be even mildly alarmed over such extremity? *rolls eyes*). Perhaps I'm just too "vanilla" for him? Perhaps we're really just too different?
Or perhaps I'm just jumping the gun again, and he truly is so busy at work that he didn't have time to write more than a curt and concise response?
But now my fears are turning to anger.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is, anyways? God's gift to mankind?
Grr...
Maybe I just need to take a breather here, myself.
Perhaps he's just still really annoyed with me for exhibiting so much concern over his fantasies (and who can blame him? I mean, how could it be rational for anyone to be even mildly alarmed over such extremity? *rolls eyes*). Perhaps I'm just too "vanilla" for him? Perhaps we're really just too different?
Or perhaps I'm just jumping the gun again, and he truly is so busy at work that he didn't have time to write more than a curt and concise response?
But now my fears are turning to anger.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is, anyways? God's gift to mankind?
Grr...
Maybe I just need to take a breather here, myself.
Human Cravings
I was conversing with Liam tonight, and I mentioned my possible "proposition" to Gavin to him. He said:
"[T]hat sounds like an ideal to me. Emotional pair-bonding is natural, and having a primary relationship is natural. But physical and emotional exclusivity are not."
Then I started reading more of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage.
"There are all sorts o[ reasons why our society doesn't accept open marriage as a viable solution. Jealousy is high on that list. We have an often overwhelming desire to be Someone's one and only, even if and when we don' t reciprocate.Our biology and our behavior actually support the structure open marriage offers, but our brains refuse to follow.
"Monogamy's not ideal for everyone and shouldn't be promoted as the ideal or default relationship setting," Liza, a woman I interviewed online, told me.Liza is twenty years old and in an open relationship with a married man. "l think people cheat because they get bored or they feel attracted to someone else, both of which are inevitable and can' t be prevented, "she continues.
For others, cheating is about excitement and adventure -- it 's only fun because it 's not allowed. But for many people, it's the oniy means of finding fulfiilment without risking the security of their cur rent relationships. I 've personally never cheated for the thrill; I don't like it . It makes me nervous and paranoid, and it's difFicult for me ro enjoy something that I know has the potentiai to hurt, or is already hurting, someone else. And yet l eventually did cheat on my husband, an experience that , though very painful , helped me solidify my feeling that lying and betrayal are much worse than the act of having sex with another person.
I think it's because people want the freedom to cheat that they accept others' cheating. At the same time, we jump at the chance to publicly chastise anyone caught cheating, because we don't want others to think we're okay with it . still, i t looks to me like a lot of people do accept cheating, And as long as everyone's cool with turning a blind eye, everything is copacetic."
But these excerpts in particular caught my attention:
"Jealousy is not a feeling generated by our biology; it's societally derived. Some people attest that jealousy keeps their relationships exciting, while for others it's a destructive force. Some people feel that a partner 's jealousy is proof of the depth of the partner's feelings for them. I can certainly see how people create the idea of jealousy out of their fruitless need to own and fulfill completely another person's sexuality and that jealousy only generates more jealousy. In their groundbreaking 1972 book oven Marriage, Nena and George O'Neill explain, "Jealousy is primarily a learned response, determined by cultural attitudes." We foster jealousy in ourselves by thinking we own someone, and that we can be everything in the world for that person. Then we become unhappy when we find that we can't. The entire idea of being sexually exclusive and wholly possessing our spouses, the O'Neills point out, "breeds deep-rooted dependencies, infantile and childish emotions, and insecurities." What if, instead, we were to feel secure in our relationships and acknowledge our needs and our partner's needs? We would have greater security and acceptance in our relationships, and we would nurture trust and honesty, instead of jealousy. As the saying goes, we reap what we sow.
In The Myth of Monogalnfi David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton share the thoughts of a man living in Africa with two wives, who explains that although he is equally desirous of both of them, he is "wearied" by whichever one he is with after a few days with her. But then, he continues, "When I go to the other I find that I have greater passion; she seems more attractive than the first. But this is not really so, for when I return to the latter again there is the same renewed passion".
I have no desire to be one of many wives, but I agree with this man's sentiment that having multiple partners invigorates our interest in each of them. Humans crave newness and variety, and having the same thing day in and day out becomes mundane. If I were to eat Italian food for several days in a row, for instance, I might want to go out for Chinese one night, which would only make the next Italian meal I ate more enjoyable. On a more profound level, experiencing other people, either sexually or otherwise, can similarly inform our other relationships. (P. 33-34)
[...]"outside sexual relationships, when they are in the context of a meaningful relationship, may be rewarding and beneficial to an open relationship." If you are in a solid relationship in which you discuss openly what you're doing, other partners can actually improve your coupled life by providing the "otherness" that your original partner can't.
Bringing another person into the picture can make a static relationship less so. That's not to say it can make a disastrous relationship suddenly perfect, and it,s not for everyone, to be sure, but you might be surprised by how easy the transition can be, especially if affairs have already, or have always, been part of your marital equation. (P. 35)"
In The Myth of Monogalnfi David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton share the thoughts of a man living in Africa with two wives, who explains that although he is equally desirous of both of them, he is "wearied" by whichever one he is with after a few days with her. But then, he continues, "When I go to the other I find that I have greater passion; she seems more attractive than the first. But this is not really so, for when I return to the latter again there is the same renewed passion".
I have no desire to be one of many wives, but I agree with this man's sentiment that having multiple partners invigorates our interest in each of them. Humans crave newness and variety, and having the same thing day in and day out becomes mundane. If I were to eat Italian food for several days in a row, for instance, I might want to go out for Chinese one night, which would only make the next Italian meal I ate more enjoyable. On a more profound level, experiencing other people, either sexually or otherwise, can similarly inform our other relationships. (P. 33-34)
[...]"outside sexual relationships, when they are in the context of a meaningful relationship, may be rewarding and beneficial to an open relationship." If you are in a solid relationship in which you discuss openly what you're doing, other partners can actually improve your coupled life by providing the "otherness" that your original partner can't.
Bringing another person into the picture can make a static relationship less so. That's not to say it can make a disastrous relationship suddenly perfect, and it,s not for everyone, to be sure, but you might be surprised by how easy the transition can be, especially if affairs have already, or have always, been part of your marital equation. (P. 35)"
And the author has several damn good points. Monogamy cannot be the natural human condition for many of the reasons she described, and is certainly almost entirely societally prescribed.
When I was with JD, I remember that after about the one year mark I actually began to get bored of him. Not that I loved him any less, really, that's only to say that around the one year mark I began to really crave some variety, something different. Sex had been astounding up until the one year mark; every time we fucked, it was totally new and exciting. We never did it the same way twice.
And who knows? If we hadn't broken up for that couple month interval, maybe it would have remained exciting for much longer. In fact, in retrospect, I'm almost certain that this is true.
Nonetheless, maybe, as the author postulates, it's ultimately inevitable that our minds begin to stray, and perhaps it really is only natural for our bodies to eventually, as well...