I cannot offer nearly enough praise for Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. This book answered so many questions about all humans, but especially myself, that have perplexed me my entire life. My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are higher than they've ever been before, now that I know I'm not crazy or even deficient in any way. Rather, this is just the way me and around 20% of all people worldwide with my attachment style are biologically programmed. It's almost relieving to know that some of my characteristics when I become romantically involved with someone that I used to be so ashamed of (like, for instance, just being so preoccupied with the relationship) are literally predetermined like the color of your skin is, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Believe it or not, the book had one particularly surprising effect: it mitigated my infatuation with James, and helped me to understand so much more about who he is and why he is the way he is with me. Or rather, it's not so much that I'm any less attracted to him as it is that I understand now why it's always felt like such a one-sided affair, interspersed with just enough compliments and romantic gestures to keep me, well, hooked on him. I also understand why our relationship has been such an emotional roller coaster.
One question that's had me particularly befuddled is why I seem to keep going after the same kind of guy -- someone who's emotionally unavailable most of the time (with just enough moments of closeness to keep me preoccupied). In recent years, at least, I seem to have been gravitating toward people with the attachment style almost diametrically opposed to my own -- people with the "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. But I understand now that, contrary to the conventional wisdom that says that girls love assholes, it's really not that I'm attracted to people that treat me like shit, as I had kind of unconsciously began to fear. Rather, it's that in the dating people of people my age, the number of avoidants is disproportionate to their size in the population as a whole (around 25% of people are avoidants), but it's also that people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style like me seem to be attracted most to people that are dismissive-avoidant, and vice-versa.
A number of studies have looked into whether we are attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two researchers... found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study... showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. Is it possible then that people that guard their independence with ferocity would seek the partners most likely to impinge on their autonomy? Or that people that seek closeness are attracted to people that want to push them away? And if so, why?
...[T]hese attachment styles actually compliment each other, in a way. Each reaffirms the other's beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants' defensive self perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perceptions of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again. (pg 91)
Of course, and I suppose that I'm just speculating now, but I'm almost certain that James ranks among the 25% of people or so that have a "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. Now, I could be wrong -- I suppose there's also a miniscule chance that he has just had EXTREMELY bad luck with relationships his entire life, but the chances of that are so ridiculously low. I mean, he would have to have some seriously bad luck. Somehow, I really doubt it. Not to mention that he has so many personality traits that are hall marks of avoidants.
Moreover, both him and the "relationship" I've had with him fit the category, not entirely, but with enough accuracy so as to be uncanny...
SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE
DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT
• Sends mixed messages—about his/her feelings toward
you or about his/her commitment to you.
• Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints
that it will not be with you.
• Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow
always finds some fault in the other person or in the
circumstances that makes commitment impossible.
• Disregards your emotional well-being—and when
confronted, continues to disregard it.
• Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or
“overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and
making you second-guess yourself.• Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or
her—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead.
