It simply isn't right, I say!
*shakes her fist vigorously toward the east coast*
Gavin is seriously just the most amazing and most awesome person I've met in several years. Which leads me to ponder two questions: 1) why are Americans so fucking dumb, and 2) what are the fucking chances of finally meeting someone who lives up to my admittedly insane standards -- and then some! -- yet when I do, it would turn out that he happens to live half way across the world?
I mean, seriously, man. What are the odds?
But I'm thinking back to something Gavin told me several days ago. When I asked him why he had such a drastic and sudden change of heart about me, he replied that there were three reasons, really.
1) He was slowly moving past that beastly little girl.
2) He was finally beginning to have a better understanding of my highly malleable nature and willingness to swim against the tide.
3) My nude photos really impressed him, along with the story of why I had gained so much weight over the past year; as well as the knowledge that I've actually been doing something about it.
He then said that, in light of the above, geography was really the only problem left, but it was one he could "happily ignore" since he was beginning to think we'd have some pretty "good times" together anyways...
And I wholeheartedly agree with his analysis. Hell, I'll even one up him. *I* have been absolutely convinced since the moment I first laid eyes on him that he and I were destined to take over this entire fucking world together. I still think I'm right about that. This is an almost frightening phenomenon for me, because I can honestly say that no one has ever made me feel like this before. He makes me contemplate the absurd, he has me dreaming up absolutely crazy things, and he makes me think thoughts I never dreamed any one ever could.
People will perhaps rightly tell me I need to check myself and my emotions before I end up getting very hurt. Hell, Gavin himself practically told me that very thing only a few nights ago while he was laying naked in the bathtub, quite literally on the verge of tears because he had been talking to me about what he once had with Ana. Watching him struggle to speak about such a painful experience was absolutely heart rending. I longed to be next to him, but only so that I could hold him while he unabashedly wept his heart out. I've never seen anyone more in need of a good cry.
That part of our conversation only served to deepen my my conviction that she's an incredibly unsophisticated child and with the emotional and intellectual maturity of a 10 year old. I'm positing right now that she was never worthy of him, but, from what I've been able to gather, he was so attracted to her physically and emotionally that it it blinded him to the real extent of their overall compatibility. He's highly empathic and has an honorable and highly laudable degree of compassion for others, qualities that inspire in me feelings of kinship with him, which in turn gives me a natural affinity for him. That is to say that I consider him an extremely likable person with whom I have uncanny similarities with and that I really *feel* him on a much deeper level.
However, as intelligent as he is, he's not intellectually infallible. For instance, look at how he perceives this whole thing with Ana, even though he's certainly intellectually capable of evaluating such circumstances with a keen prescience. It's almost sickening to hear him continue to make excuses for her unforgivable behavior behavior toward him. Why does he insist on conjuring up such absurd justifications for her ultimately selfish and inexcusable actions by attributing them to her highly dysfunctional bordering on pathologically anti-social tendencies? He does this much to his own detriment.
In his own exact words:
"Once everyone accepted that we'd be married, I guess, "a little voice in her head" started telling her to make sure it didn't happen -- subconsciously, of course."
But you know what I think? I think that instead of trying to logically rationalize and excuse her unforgivably selfish behavior. She has plainly exhibited a wanton disregard for the effect this kind of behavior would have upon the very people she supposedly cares for (one of the worst evils one human being can inflict upon another, in my humble opinion); therefore, he needs to utterly erase her existence from his life and treat her like the not-thought-through-well-enough, couple months waste of time she ultimately was. Because rather than wasting his efforts on trying to absolve her for any real blame for hurting him, he needs to bask in what is his right to feel a righteous indignation for her. Only then can he fully grieve for what he thought he once had with her, let go of the pain, and honestly move on with his life.
Additionally, I suspect that, ultimately, when he examines their entire engagement months or maybe years from now, he will conclude that the relationship was based on farcical premises almost from the very get go. Because being 150% sexually compatible with someone is a great thing and all, but trying to build and maintain the foundations of a lasting romantic relationship requires that there be a plethora of other ways in which the two of you are more than well-suited for each other.
I don't think there's any easy way around this for him.
However, most importantly, in the course of writing this post, I had a presciently keen insight on just how it is I should conduct myself in his presence starting immediately. I think what *I* need to do -- and what I think Gavin needs me to do -- is to fulfill a different role in his life at this point in time. After recording my thoughts on this blog tonight, I'm even more convinced that I'm actually onto something here.
For instance, rather than openly vocalizing my thoughts about how utterly adorable he can be when he's doing something I think is cute (and being the overly romantic goosh ball I can be, that's all the time!), I need to learn to shut my mouth, keep it to myself, and stick to playing a supportive friend role for him, a role I believe will come quite naturally to me due to the already extant good-will I have for him and the genuine feelings of friendship that are already there. That is to say that it won't feel out of place or awkward at all to just being his friend for this current era of his life, because really, I suspect that Gavin would be much better off having a good, reliable friend that could objectively observe his situation and advise him (well, as objectively as one human can possibly be with another).
It's not so much that the dynamics of our relationship with each other necessarily needs to change; what it is is simply that I need to be more sensitive with how I handle him right now, and make every effort to show real prudence with how I treat Gavin. For instance, rather so openly than communicating to him my fervent desire to watch him have a dribble orgasm whilst daydreaming and rambling on to him about just how voraciously I want to be sucking him off at that very moment...
*sigh*
I'm getting carried away again. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that he doesn't need someone hitting on him so immoderately right now the way I always do. What I do think is that he really does need some time and space in which to really sort out his feelings for Ana. I think that giving him adequate space to not only reflect events that have already transpired, but to really draw on the appropriate, most valuable lessons he can for the future would be most beneficial to him.
But I suppose I should be totally frank here about how much thinking about his warning to me a few days ago really kinda sunk in (belatedly), and how it caused all sorts of "self preservation" flags to go up. Which is to say that I now realize the extent to which I need to start being more protective of my own emotional vulnerabilities and approach this whole thing with much more cautiously than I have been. Because truth of the matter is that the intensity of the feelings I've had for Gavin are not reciprocated, no matter how hard I try to fool myself into thinking they are. I've gotta start being truthful with myself about this. I'm really not being fair to myself at all by pretending that Gavin isn't always thinking of her, first and foremost. And I can't deal with that very thought. I refuse to take second place to anyone, dammit, let alone a child of her stature. Nor should I have to.
In fact, I'm somewhat angry with myself now for having allowed this to go on for so long. But to be entirely fair to myself, I never really understood the full impact that his break up with her was having on him until a few days ago, really, and certainly haven't sat down to articulate my thoughts about that revelation until tonight. Gavin is truly a mind-blowing individual, and I have no doubt whatsoever that we could both turn each others worlds inside out. But not like this, when he's in this state of mind. I want him to be completely over her first, and I wanna do what I can to facilitate that process.
Lastly, I just want to state for the official record that that girl's got nothing on me, dammit. Not only am I much prettier and more exotic than her aesthetically (yeah, that's pretty subjective, I know, but I'd be willing to bet you anything that my face would win over hers any day in a "who's more aesthetically appealing" show down. However, I will concede that she has a prettier eye color than I, and also that her body, at the present time, is also much prettier, as well. Just you wait until I work off this extra weight, however, because I promise you that she can't even hold a candle to my body when it looks the way it's supposed to); I can tell you without personal knowledge of her intellectual capacities that I'm far smarter, and that my judgement is more sound; I'm definitely more mature and much wiser; I'm a much better communicator than she could ever be (although, to be fair, English is my first language); oh, and I listen to much better metal, lol (in fact, I think my musical tastes period are exponentially superior to anyone who actually struggles to appreciate electronic music or it's various sub-genres at the age of 25).
But who even knows? I can freely admit that, perhaps, "I might be (dead) wrong" about everything I just wrote, and it merely showcases the deep insecurities I have about my own value and worth as a human being in the face of a perceived challenge to my "womanhood" (because yes, I freely admit that it infuriates me to no end that that fucking CHILD actually occupies a place in your heart that she not only doesn't deserve, but, well, a place in your heart that I fully intend on occupying, in time). You see, unlike that wench, I can see clearly and fully appreciate your unprecedented value and worth as a human being -- and I haven't even had the pleasure of knowing you for as long as she did! I've never met anything even remotely like you. I mean, I don't mean to come off as a starry eyed fool, viewing the world through rose tinted glasses and all. But, as Bill Hicks once said:
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
I have no idea what that quote even has to do with anything I just wrote, which makes it even more humorous to quote it right now.
It will indeed be quite miraculous if this message didn't devolve into the incoherent mess of disparate and contradictory ideas that I suspect it may have. That's okay though, because I'm running on 48 hours without sleep, and I need to curl up under the covers and close my eyes.
One last thing, though. I just want to say that that CHILD you have the misfortune of calling your ex is so stupid that she didn't even know what kind of man she had in you. You're a diamond in the rough in every single way I can possibly imagine, and I want you to know that I would never be so stupid as to make that mistake with you.
Well, that is, unless you ever betrayed my trust in you, or some other sort of grievous misdeed for which I'm sure you can use your imagination.
Good night.
(And this is why I'm a total writer at heart -- I think through my writings, formulate new plans, and come up with ingenious solutions to all sorts of convoluted issues. Reading through this letter should be akin to watching evolution in action -- the varying degrees of insight I had with each paragraph was intellectually orgasmic.)
