When I was chatting with Liam earlier about my plan to go to London, he remarked.
Liam: "I mean, even if the whole thing turns out to be a total fluke, which I know it very well could, at least I could say it was an adventure I readily embarked upon simply because I felt like it at the time! And when's the last time I could say that about something?" = awesome.Speaking as a frequent fool-for-love, i totally agree
But I've got to get a hold of myself here. I'm not in love with this kid, dammit, I can't be; I'm in love with an online persona that he's diligently crafted for me. I'm in love with several individual facets of Gavin that do not comprise a whole, and I have to maintain some perspective here!
True, I may have a good idea of who Gavin is and what he's like in person, but until you are face to face with someone in the real world, it's impossible to really know, right? I mean sure, Skype may be the next best thing, but more importantly, while my strong suspicion that we would really make exquisite connections on several different levels could be the truth, fact of the matter is his heart currently belongs to Ana. There's just nothing I can do about that, and no, embarking on an escapade to the U.K. based on a foolish and naive feeling of ardor for someone that's wholly unrequited is one of the craziest ideas I've ever conjured up.
Okay, so maybe I'm going a little too far in the other direction by dismissing whatever Gavin feels for me in its entirety like such. I mean, you certainly don't spend countless hours conversing with someone who means nothing to you. Nor do you undress before someone you don't feel entirely comfortable with, or fall asleep in front of them, or bring yourself to several orgasms, or discuss many of the things we've talked about at length. But maybe it's just me -- perhaps I'm just reading much too far into these events because I personally deem them such sentimental occurrences. Or perhaps I'm reading into them so much due to my own wishful thinking -- I want to believe that Gavin sees me as much more than a friend -- and surely he does, on some level, at least. But maybe I'm just attributing much more meaning than one should to what he may very well see as relatively inconsequential events. But is it really so presumptuous of me to think that there must be more there?
I don't know what it is about this guy that caught me hook, line, and sinker from the very moment I laid eyes on him. I think so highly of him in every way; Gavin is just the most beautiful creature in every single way one could possibly ever fathom, to me. His disposition and temperament combine harmoniously with the sheer uniqueness of his utterly enthralling idiosyncrasies to create a consonant creature that is all but pure perfection in my eyes. Which is not to imply that I've deluded myself into thinking he's an infallible being without serious flaws just like the rest of us -- I'm not stupid or perpetually high, for as much of a romantic as I can be. But my attraction to Gavin has always been so much deeper than any of that superficial bullshit that attractions are normally based on. I've always sensed something profound within him, something that needed to be cultivated and nurtured by the right woman; and I've always wanted to be that woman, to be both his lover and his best friend. I clearly remember one of the first letters I wrote him, when I didn't even know his name yet, how I enthusiastically raved that I had finally found my partner in crime, that we were "destined" to take over the world together. I've never before felt like this, and I've certainly never expressed anything like that to anyone. Most people completely bore me.
*sigh*
Dammit. Now I'm just confused again. I love how excellent I am at talking myself in circles. Well, he did give me his word that we would "hang out" tomorrow night, and who better to ask about all of this then Gavin himself? If he actually wants to meet me, I can have my ticket within a few days for sure. We could have a really good time together, and if things don't work out as expected, no harm done and nothing lost. And I'll have gotten a kick ass vacation in Europe out of the whole shebang, on top of solidifying an already pretty unique friendship. Then again, he could say, "Uh, hell no, you crazy wench -- are you fucking insane?" which wouldn't be altogether bad, I suppose, as harsh as that may be. As hurtful as it would be to hear from someone I've been pretty emotionally invested in for months now, at least I'd know where I stand and that it was time to completely move on.
I have an idea, actually. Why don't I email him my two contradictory posts on this blog, let him to spend the day ruminating on what he really thinks of them, and then we can talk about it for awhile tomorrow night?
I'm a pure genius, heh. Now I'm gonna spend the remainder of my night perfecting "You and Whose Army" on guitar.
