It's completely abnormal to allow what Gavin told me earlier to utterly ruin my day the way it has. But as I told him just a little bit ago, one thing I've learned from him (probably the most important thing I've learned from him, really) is that being "abnormal" really isn't so abnormal after all.
Additionally, who's to say that abnormal necessarily equates with "bad?"
Which is to say that I no longer care if my recent behaviors and feelings comport with anyone's standards at all anymore. He assured me repeatedly this morning that chances were, he wouldn't go back to her. That he was going to visit her for his own sake, and with eyes "wide-open." And honestly, I'm not sure whether or not I believe him. I mean, part of me does believe him -- at least, I certainly believe that he doesn't intend for anything more to happen with her. But simultaneously, I strongly believe that she likely wants him back, and that she'll make every effort toward that end possible. Similarly, it would be a mistake to underestimate Gavin's intelligence, foresight, and wisdom when it comes to anyone's feminine wiles, really -- he's not stupid, and I have a lot of faith in his ability to see things as they are. But then again, he is in love with her, and love has a tendency to blind/sway even the most intelligent among us.
Ugh.
You know what, though? It's really very uncharacteristic of me to worry so much about something I truly have no control over, and I don't see why I should change that right now. But then again, it's not exactly like I have any control over how I feel about this. I missed karate this morning, missed my doctors appointment, I'm going to miss speech in an hour, I haven't done anything besides lay in bed and listen to an epic sounding live podcast from Pendulum and stare into space. I cried like a deeply sad little girl a few times. I keep thinking to myself, if only we met, you'd change your mind in a heartbeat. I know you would. Then I think, maybe I should buy a ticket to London? But that just seems crazy. I mean, I know I could stay with Jess for a week, and I haven't seen her in years, that would be awesome to see her. But that wouldn't be the real motivating reason for going out there, and she'd know that right away. So would he, for that matter.
That's a positively insane idea, it truly is. But then again, when's the last time I really did something truly crazy? Maybe I need to start living my life again, and just start doing really crazy things just because I fucking feel like it. I mean, even if the whole thing turns out to be a total fluke, which I know that it very well could, at least I could say it was an adventure I readily embarked upon simply because I felt like taking a chance at the time! It would be one hell of a story to tell my future children, if nothing else! And when's the last time I could say that about something? I haven't even been on one of my completely whimsical, spontaneous road trips in years now -- hell, I haven't even traveled period in years. Speaking of things that are truly uncharacteristic of me, being stationary for so long tops that list for sure.
Fuck it. It's really settled this time -- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to London. I should talk to Gavin first and find out when he's going to Romania, and Jess, too. This could very well be the most exciting thing I've done in several years!
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