Woke up in a really bad place this morning, but I feel much better after a steaming hot, long shower.
I'm making a conscious decision to focus on the good things in my life, and also making making a conscious decision to stay away from the bad.
By that, I mean that, after two relatively serious attempts at using the virtual world to build something real, I think in the future I'm going to have to stay away from this route.
See, I think my problem is that I always wind up opting for the truly exotic and unique, which I guess isn't a bad thing in and of itself. But it's fast becoming clear that pursuing a potential romantic interest when proximity is such a major issue is thoroughly untenable.
I, for one, need that closeness -- but more importantly, that physical proximity is of the utmost importance because it utterly changes the the dynamics of any relationship. I need to look directly into someone's eyes when they are speaking to me, I need to have a chance to read from someone's non-verbal cues. As I realized from my most recent read, I live for the intimacy that only physical proximity can achieve.
Besides, I thrive way too much on cuddles and hugs to ever be alright with having to forgo such a necessary component of my close relations.
"Online dating" isn't all bad simply because I failed at it twice, I suppose. But I think reevaluating your methods after consecutive failures using any strategy is just plain savvy. No, it's not really that there's anything wrong with online dating, per se; I think that, more accurately stated, there's only something wrong with becoming enamored with someone you meet in the virtual world if you cannot have a face to face meeting within a few months max. That was the real deal breaker here, not the my past two romantic interests were from the UK, per se. Allowing my romantic feelings to persist after it became clear that he was no longer serious about meeting me in March OR July should have been a major red flag.
Never again.
Now, I guess I cannot say for sure, but surely, had the in-person meeting come to fruition as I once thought it would, things would have panned out much differently. I don't want to dwell on such thoughts, though. I could spend the rest of my life hypothesizing about "what if" scenarios, but would good would it do?
Ugh. I just need to begin packing for my upcoming trip...
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Saturday morning thoughts
Isn't that how these things always work? When things go badly, they always go badly all at once. It always feels like everything comes crashing down all together. It's never just one thing. But I just can't allow myself to lose sight of what I know to be true -- that things will improve no matter how badly everything seems right now.
They always do.
I have to hold onto my belief that things will drastically change. Maybe this is what happens whenever the end of an era comes to fruition. I know that ever since my car accident, I've been all too inclined to despair when nothing seems to be working. Whenever I feel like I'm losing control of myself and my life, and it feels like I've just become too sad to fight anymore.
But writing always helps me to put things in perspective. Since I was a young child, writing has helped me to think, to strategize, to not lose sight of the fact that I'm creative enough and strong enough to find other ways. It helps me to maintain my faith in my abilities, a confidence in my intellect, and it revives my capacity to hope for better. It always serves to make me remember that, for as cold and alone as I feel at times, I truly have a massive circle of friends and family that I can always tap for support.
Writing helps me to make sense of so many of my seemingly nonsensical internal contradictions.
There are times that I long for the capacity to be able to view things from more calloused perspectives. Other times, I think I've struck a better balance than most people. Albeit, a far more painful route, to be sure, but I like to think it's a path much more conducive to personal growth.
Pain is so conducive to personal growth.
But I won't lie. At times, I, too, try to avoid pain and hardship because, well, it fucking hurts, and it's difficult. Our natural inclination as human beings is to try to avoid obstacles which hurt, right?
Not I.
Bask in your pain, I say. Learn to relish it. Maybe that sounds almost masochistic, but it's really not. Rather, it's simply another coping mechanism. And so long as you have methods to help you deal, that's what counts.
They always do.
I have to hold onto my belief that things will drastically change. Maybe this is what happens whenever the end of an era comes to fruition. I know that ever since my car accident, I've been all too inclined to despair when nothing seems to be working. Whenever I feel like I'm losing control of myself and my life, and it feels like I've just become too sad to fight anymore.
But writing always helps me to put things in perspective. Since I was a young child, writing has helped me to think, to strategize, to not lose sight of the fact that I'm creative enough and strong enough to find other ways. It helps me to maintain my faith in my abilities, a confidence in my intellect, and it revives my capacity to hope for better. It always serves to make me remember that, for as cold and alone as I feel at times, I truly have a massive circle of friends and family that I can always tap for support.
Writing helps me to make sense of so many of my seemingly nonsensical internal contradictions.
There are times that I long for the capacity to be able to view things from more calloused perspectives. Other times, I think I've struck a better balance than most people. Albeit, a far more painful route, to be sure, but I like to think it's a path much more conducive to personal growth.
Pain is so conducive to personal growth.
But I won't lie. At times, I, too, try to avoid pain and hardship because, well, it fucking hurts, and it's difficult. Our natural inclination as human beings is to try to avoid obstacles which hurt, right?
Not I.
Bask in your pain, I say. Learn to relish it. Maybe that sounds almost masochistic, but it's really not. Rather, it's simply another coping mechanism. And so long as you have methods to help you deal, that's what counts.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Waking up from a long fantasy
I'm glad it's over -- it was never real to begin with. Well, maybe I'm lying to myself a little bit. It was a very enjoyable fantasy indeed, but I just have to remember that it was never anything more than a figment of my imagination.
I allowed it to go on much too long, something which is totally my fault. See, I hung onto it even when I knew I should have just let it go it, something that should have been done at the first sign that it wasn't real. And there were many signs.
Oh well. You live and you learn. I've learned a very real lesson, and I swear that I will be much more cautious from now on. I need to overcome a painful disappointment of my making first, though.
I can do this.
I allowed it to go on much too long, something which is totally my fault. See, I hung onto it even when I knew I should have just let it go it, something that should have been done at the first sign that it wasn't real. And there were many signs.
Oh well. You live and you learn. I've learned a very real lesson, and I swear that I will be much more cautious from now on. I need to overcome a painful disappointment of my making first, though.
I can do this.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Who Do You Want to Be? (the test)
I've been taking numerous quizzes from yourpersonality.net and personalityassessor.com over the past week, because a) they're fun, b) they're pretty informative, and c) they're actually scientific in that they were composed by researchers for a study.
So I just took a really interesting quiz from Personality Assessor called Who Do You Want to Be?
My results are as follows:
So I just took a really interesting quiz from Personality Assessor called Who Do You Want to Be?
My results are as follows:
Choose Your Own Adventure!
These were my favorite books when I was a kid -- it's interesting to to take a quiz designed in that format!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"Personality Assessor" Test
The only surprising thing for me about this test is that apparently I score much higher than is average in almost all elements of a relationship.
Here's a link to the page so any one who wants to can take the test: What are the most important elements in a relationship to you?
Here's a link to the page so any one who wants to can take the test: What are the most important elements in a relationship to you?
Sunday, April 22, 2012
THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
But there’s another reason you might be attracted to an avoidant
partner if you are anxious. In Emily’s case, David’s subtle indicators of
uncertainty and unavailability made her feel insecure. This is often what
happens, even very early in the relationship, if you are anxious and
dating an avoidant. Quite soon into the relationship you start to get
mixed signals. He (or she) calls, but takes his time about it; he’s
interested in you, but lets you understand that he’s still playing the field.
You are left guessing. Every time you get mixed messages, your
attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the
relationship. But then he compliments you or makes a romantic
gesture that gets your heart racing, and you tell yourself he’s interested
after all; you’re elated. Unfortunately, the bliss is very short-lived.
Quickly the positive messages become mixed once again with
ambiguous ones and again you find yourself plunging down that roller
coaster. You now live in suspense, anticipating that next small remark
or gesture that will reassure you. After living like this for a while, you
start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the
preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy
with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment
system with passion.
If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get
attracted to those very individuals who are leaHE LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS—WHY YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO MEET AVOIDANTS WHEN
YOU GO OUT ON A DATE
There is one last reason you will probably meet and date a fair share
of avoidant people. Consider the following three facts:
• People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their
relationships more frequently. One study found that of
individuals who entered a new marriage following a divorce, the
avoidant ones were more likely to divorce again. They also
suppress loving emotions and therefore “get over” partners very
quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately.
Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently
and for longer periods of time.
• People with a secure attachment style usually don’t go through
many partners before they find one that they happily settle down
with. Once things click, they form a long-lasting, committed
relationship. Conclusion: People with a secure attachment
style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at
all.
• Studies have found that avoidants are unlikely to be in a
relationship with other avoidants, because they lack the
emotional glue to stay together. In fact, one study that looked at
dating couples didn’t find even one pair that was avoidantavoidant.
Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they
are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.
Now let’s put the pieces of this puzzle together.
When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an
avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size
in the population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the
dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least
not for long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because
secures are less available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You
and other potential partners with an anxious attachment style.st likely to make you
happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the
opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love.
As we’ve seen, one of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s most important insights
is that in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure
base from which to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen,
our attachment system must be calm and secure.
Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love.
Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious,
insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—
tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not
love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still
waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.
But THIS is the really scary prospect.
You know, I've totally thought about this before... the possibility that I may wind up being alone forever because all the "good ones" have already been taken. Everything in my life seems to make so much more sense after reading this book -- no wonder all of my romantic interests in recent times have all been so tumultuous; they've all been the kind of person I need to avoid in order to establish a "secure base" of a relationship!
THE LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS—WHY YOU
ARE MORE LIKELY TO MEET AVOIDANTS WHEN
YOU GO OUT ON A DATE
There is one last reason you will probably meet and date a fair share
of avoidant people. Consider the following three facts:
• People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their
relationships more frequently. One study found that of
individuals who entered a new marriage following a divorce, the
avoidant ones were more likely to divorce again. They also
suppress loving emotions and therefore “get over” partners very
quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately.
Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently
and for longer periods of time.
• People with a secure attachment style usually don’t go through
many partners before they find one that they happily settle down
with. Once things click, they form a long-lasting, committed
relationship. Conclusion: People with a secure attachment
style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at
all.
• Studies have found that avoidants are unlikely to be in a
relationship with other avoidants, because they lack the
emotional glue to stay together. In fact, one study that looked at
dating couples didn’t find even one pair that was avoidantavoidant.
Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they
are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.
Now let’s put the pieces of this puzzle together.
When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an
avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size
in the population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the
dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least
not for long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because
secures are less available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You
and other potential partners with an anxious attachment style.
And this is exactly why I've allowed so many people that I've always known aren't really good matches for me to cause me so much self doubt -- I never realized it, but I was trying to be someone I'm not.
Truth of the matter is you can't really change how you form attachments with people and the level of intimacy your comfortable with or want. I used to feel ashamed for secretly longing to be able to depend on someone emotionally so much. Occasionally I would suspect that people considered me high maintenance and clingy, and I myself feared I was "clingy."
But now I understand that there's nothing wrong with me for being the way I am. I AM someone that requires a lot of attention and quality time with my significant other, and for the very first time in my life, I don't feel shamed about that. I DO tend to become obsessive about people I'm romantically interested in -- thinking about them all the time, even squelching some of my most important needs in order to meet theirs. I AM insecure about my relationships because I feel that they're trying to pull away from me emotionally, and I want them to be my best friend. I *need* that closeness. It's just who I am, and there's nothing wrong with me for craving that need as badly as I do.
Wow, have I mentioned how life changing this book is?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOLLOW COMMON
DATING ADVICE?
Say you decide to follow the advice of many popular relationship
books. They offer guidelines to help you “land” a partner, such as:
Don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re
not, don’t call him—wait for him to call you, don’t appear to care too
much, act mysterious. Presumably, you preserve your dignity and
independence in this way and gain your partner’s respect. But in fact,
what you are doing is behaving in a way that is not true to your genuine
needs and feelings. You wave these aside to appear strong and self sufficient.
And indeed, these books and the advice they give are right;
these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive. What
they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science,
is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind
of partner—an avoidant one. Why? Because, in essence, what they
are advocating is that you ignore your needs and let the other person
determine the amount of closeness/distance in the relationship. The
avoidant person can have his/her cake and eat it too, so to speak—
s/he can enjoy the thrill and closeness you naturally project when you
are together without having to consider your needs for intimacy and
togetherness the rest of the time. By being someone you’re not, you’re
allowing another to be with you on his or her own terms and come and
go as s/he pleases.
Another problem is that if this type of game playing is only an act for
you, it’s going to backfire in the long run. First, your avoidant partner
will quickly catch on to you—they are good at detecting people who
want to impinge on their autonomy. Second, eventually you’ll think it’s
time to let your true colors show. After all, what you really want is to
reach a high degree of intimacy, to spend a lot of quality time together,
to be able to let down your guard. But you’ll find that when you do so,
your avoidant partner will suddenly get cold feet and start to
disengage. Either way, you lose, because you are attracting the wrong
kind of partner for you.
Now I must deal with what I've always really known: James has many qualities that comport with my own, and we ARE compatible in many ways. However, unless he were to actively strive to overcome his fear of intimacy and insistence on being so self-reliant (and I'm not holding my breath on that one), he's not an ideal partner for me. Just the very opposite, in fact. He's EXACTLY the kind of guy that will most activate my attachment system (i.e. inflame my insecurities) and our relationship -- even the friendship part of it -- will likely always be a mix of incredible highs and extremely low lows, something I've already thought about.
Which is truly a damn shame, for there's just so much stuff about him that kicks all ass. But there goes the anxious-preoccupied part of me again, that always thinks, every time I become romantically interested in someone, at least, "I'LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE [insert name here] AGAIN IN MY LIFE! THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO BE WITH SOMEONE SO UNIQUE AND COOL!"
I never knew until reading this book that it's actually quite normal that I actually think that EVERY TIME someone I want to be close to starts to pull away. I'll never find someone like James again... and before him, it was I'll never be with someone as unique as Gavin again! Before that, it was Anton, and before him it was John, and before him, J.D. I've always of wondered why I always thought that about people I become interested in...
Know what's interesting? What's interesting is that I'm already 31 years old, and although, as attachment theory so accurately predicts, even though I've rarely been without an object of intense attraction for even more than a few months in my life, I've still only really been with a few men throughout my life.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
This book changed my life...
I can't even remember the last time I read a book that was so engrossing, easy to read. and from which I have gleaned so many truly profound and powerful insights into human behavior. I could not possibly recommend this book emphatically enough. It is indeed the rare read that so effectively counters conventional wisdom whilst offering you an utterly fresh perspective that rejuvenates a stagnating soul.
I cannot offer nearly enough praise for Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. This book answered so many questions about all humans, but especially myself, that have perplexed me my entire life. My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are higher than they've ever been before, now that I know I'm not crazy or even deficient in any way. Rather, this is just the way me and around 20% of all people worldwide with my attachment style are biologically programmed. It's almost relieving to know that some of my characteristics when I become romantically involved with someone that I used to be so ashamed of (like, for instance, just being so preoccupied with the relationship) are literally predetermined like the color of your skin is, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Believe it or not, the book had one particularly surprising effect: it mitigated my infatuation with James, and helped me to understand so much more about who he is and why he is the way he is with me. Or rather, it's not so much that I'm any less attracted to him as it is that I understand now why it's always felt like such a one-sided affair, interspersed with just enough compliments and romantic gestures to keep me, well, hooked on him. I also understand why our relationship has been such an emotional roller coaster.
One question that's had me particularly befuddled is why I seem to keep going after the same kind of guy -- someone who's emotionally unavailable most of the time (with just enough moments of closeness to keep me preoccupied). In recent years, at least, I seem to have been gravitating toward people with the attachment style almost diametrically opposed to my own -- people with the "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. But I understand now that, contrary to the conventional wisdom that says that girls love assholes, it's really not that I'm attracted to people that treat me like shit, as I had kind of unconsciously began to fear. Rather, it's that in the dating people of people my age, the number of avoidants is disproportionate to their size in the population as a whole (around 25% of people are avoidants), but it's also that people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style like me seem to be attracted most to people that are dismissive-avoidant, and vice-versa.
Of course, and I suppose that I'm just speculating now, but I'm almost certain that James ranks among the 25% of people or so that have a "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. Now, I could be wrong -- I suppose there's also a miniscule chance that he has just had EXTREMELY bad luck with relationships his entire life, but the chances of that are so ridiculously low. I mean, he would have to have some seriously bad luck. Somehow, I really doubt it. Not to mention that he has so many personality traits that are hall marks of avoidants.
Moreover, both him and the "relationship" I've had with him fit the category, not entirely, but with enough accuracy so as to be uncanny...
I cannot offer nearly enough praise for Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. This book answered so many questions about all humans, but especially myself, that have perplexed me my entire life. My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are higher than they've ever been before, now that I know I'm not crazy or even deficient in any way. Rather, this is just the way me and around 20% of all people worldwide with my attachment style are biologically programmed. It's almost relieving to know that some of my characteristics when I become romantically involved with someone that I used to be so ashamed of (like, for instance, just being so preoccupied with the relationship) are literally predetermined like the color of your skin is, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Believe it or not, the book had one particularly surprising effect: it mitigated my infatuation with James, and helped me to understand so much more about who he is and why he is the way he is with me. Or rather, it's not so much that I'm any less attracted to him as it is that I understand now why it's always felt like such a one-sided affair, interspersed with just enough compliments and romantic gestures to keep me, well, hooked on him. I also understand why our relationship has been such an emotional roller coaster.
One question that's had me particularly befuddled is why I seem to keep going after the same kind of guy -- someone who's emotionally unavailable most of the time (with just enough moments of closeness to keep me preoccupied). In recent years, at least, I seem to have been gravitating toward people with the attachment style almost diametrically opposed to my own -- people with the "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. But I understand now that, contrary to the conventional wisdom that says that girls love assholes, it's really not that I'm attracted to people that treat me like shit, as I had kind of unconsciously began to fear. Rather, it's that in the dating people of people my age, the number of avoidants is disproportionate to their size in the population as a whole (around 25% of people are avoidants), but it's also that people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style like me seem to be attracted most to people that are dismissive-avoidant, and vice-versa.
A number of studies have looked into whether we are attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two researchers... found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study... showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. Is it possible then that people that guard their independence with ferocity would seek the partners most likely to impinge on their autonomy? Or that people that seek closeness are attracted to people that want to push them away? And if so, why?
...[T]hese attachment styles actually compliment each other, in a way. Each reaffirms the other's beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants' defensive self perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perceptions of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again. (pg 91)
Of course, and I suppose that I'm just speculating now, but I'm almost certain that James ranks among the 25% of people or so that have a "dismissive-avoidant" attachment style. Now, I could be wrong -- I suppose there's also a miniscule chance that he has just had EXTREMELY bad luck with relationships his entire life, but the chances of that are so ridiculously low. I mean, he would have to have some seriously bad luck. Somehow, I really doubt it. Not to mention that he has so many personality traits that are hall marks of avoidants.
Moreover, both him and the "relationship" I've had with him fit the category, not entirely, but with enough accuracy so as to be uncanny...
SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE
DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT
• Sends mixed messages—about his/her feelings toward
you or about his/her commitment to you.
• Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints
that it will not be with you.
• Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow
always finds some fault in the other person or in the
circumstances that makes commitment impossible.
• Disregards your emotional well-being—and when
confronted, continues to disregard it.
• Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or
“overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and
making you second-guess yourself.• Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or
her—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead.
Steve Wilson -- Significant Other
Steve Wilson -- Significant Other
My favorite song from this epoch of my life, without a doubt -- I literally go through weekly phases where I play this song for like an hour straight on repeat.
Both Steve Wilson and the band Porcupine Tree will undoubtedly be seen historically as the most ingenious innovators of this decade, to be sure; I rank the discovery of the beauty of the entire progressive metal genre as one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Attachment Styles and Close Relationships
Just got the book Attached:The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love in the mail today (first time amazon.com had been late delivering a package EVER -- for me, at least), and I'm actually a good ways into the book already. It's utterly fascinating stuff (despite the kind of lame subtitle, the book is totally unlike any other "self-help" book I've read), all told from an evolutionary biology/scientific perspective.
Attached -- Amir Levine
I cannot recommend this book highly enough to any one who, like me, actually thinks that there is something wrong with their interpersonal relationships. But I'll hold off on saying any more until I've actually finished the book...
The hyperlink below the "jump break" is to a quiz inside the book that will pinpoint what your attachment style is. Additionally, here is a link to A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research, for any one that wants to know more about the substance of this book.
Attached -- Amir Levine
I cannot recommend this book highly enough to any one who, like me, actually thinks that there is something wrong with their interpersonal relationships. But I'll hold off on saying any more until I've actually finished the book...
The hyperlink below the "jump break" is to a quiz inside the book that will pinpoint what your attachment style is. Additionally, here is a link to A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research, for any one that wants to know more about the substance of this book.
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
As I was doing some reading yesterday, I stumbled across a sentence in a very interesting article about how public opinion is formed:
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
Persistence of Myths Could Alter Public Policy Approach
How devious!Another recent study found that when accusations or assertions are met with silence, they are more likely to feel true, said Peter Kim, an organizational psychologist at the University of Southern California.
Skyping with my darling James causes me to reconsider
Readers of my blog will be familiar with the great "philosophical epiphany" from my last post.
Oh yes.
It was nothing short of totally epic, to be sure! Because, for about a day now, I've been convinced that something must be seriously wrong with my "emotional attachment style." At the time, I determined that there was no doubt that this is primarily due to my relations with James...
The three questions that plagued me:
1) Why do I spend so much time thinking about him?
2) Why do I frequently worry that he's up and decided that he hates me?
3) Why is it that I exhibit a need for excessive self-reassurance from him (i.e. feeling the need to ask him things like, "do you REALLY find me sexually attractive?")
Now, for the discerning reader, I shall provide a little background.
I awoke early today as I had a gazillion things I needed to accomplish. I was at my computer, answering some email and messages from Modelmayhem.com, when my mind began to wander to events that took place yesterday. I went back and reread yesterday's "epiphany" to remind myself of just how I had arrived at the conclusion that I was suddenly so abnormal, reliving the entire process of how I had arrived where I was today in my head.
Not yet seeing any errors in my logic, a feeling of desperation began to overcome me. "My god, something is really wrong with me!" I thought to myself over and over again.
The self-help book I had ordered only the day before was due to arrive at some point today, and surely that alone was a wonderful way to embark on this nascent journey to fix myself. But what would I do in the mean time? How could I ever even leave my room again knowing that I had officially joined the ranks of a type of person I have always loathed and looked down upon -- a meek, overly passive pushover with no self-esteem, emotionally weak codependent person!
No, I didn't have time on my hands to wait even hours -- I had to start fixing myself this minute. So I racked my brain for a few minutes, contemplating all of the options I could conjure up at eight o' clock in the morning before arriving at a decision. .
You see, knowledge is power, and surely I could only begin to fight such a demon when I knew who the demon is, what it can and can't do, and just how this demon ever became extant in the first place. The answer was as simple as it was obvious -- I had to educate myself about just what this "codependency" phenomenon is, which meant I had a LOT of reading to do in my future.
"Well, I had better get started. Who has time to wait for like five hours for the mailman to arrive in the afternoon?" I thought to myself, "Not I."
I sat back down at my computer and began my research. Unfortunately, a simple Amazon.com search turned up well over 1,200 books on codependency alone! Thus, I began reading about all of the books that were the most popular on the topic, quickly concluding that I was going to have to be very meticulous about the author, as the overwhelming majority of the most popular and recommended titles were written from a Christian perspective. I don't care how popular the book is, or how well written it might be -- there's just absolutely no way I could ever stomach some religious fanatic telling me that to find inner peace, I must turn to god. No, I need something grounded in reality and written from a scientific perspective.
I finally settled on a book authored by two PhD's that took an approach that was unlike the popular 12-Step method being advocated by so many. Without hesitation, I purchased the PC kindle version of it so that I could begin reading it right away; hopefully I still had time to finish it before the mailman got here with the next book. It was going to be a long day.
"Unfortunately" (wrapped in quotes because, in retrospect, I'm not sure just how unfortunate it really was), turns out I had only made it to about mid-way through the second chapter by the time I noticed that the object of my infatuation, my darling James, had logged onto Skype.
After a few cordial words to greet him, I immediately launched into a diatribe about what I had slowly been realizing during my reading: codependency shmodependency! This wasn't a book for me. No, this was a book written for people struggling with codependent tendencies, and there was just no possible way I could fall into that category after all. As I got to a list of characteristics that were indicative of whether or not you fit the mold, my repulsion was turning to anger. What a waste of time and money!
You see, the book was painting a picture of a kind of person that I've always viewed as the most pathetic, annoying kind. The "checklist" denoting whether you were codependent contained such items as:
Once I began to realize just how diametrically opposed to my very being codependency is, I grew both very angry and very confused. What's worse is, the more I thought about it, I could hardly believe that merely hours ago, I had constructed a personal narrative that dictated that my initial insight was supported by an ample amount of evidence that I was now realizing couldn't possibly be true. Hell no, I wasn't codependent, and I have never been codependent -- the very idea of codependency, relying on others for happiness, is something that I've always seen as disgusting. Actually, the very opposite is true; I have always been a fiercely independent person. How could I have entertained the thought that I'd ever let my own happiness be contingent upon the happiness or another? How could I NOT have known better!
But was this only another example of just how paradoxical so many things about me are? Or rather -- as I was beginning to strongly suspect -- could this be a case of misidentifying and mislabeling certain information that is actually representative of an entirely different problem altogether? Because surely something about my behavior was amiss -- I don't think that had managed to fabricate such unhealthy personality traits. But contrary to my prevailing thoughts in the past twenty four hours, I'm extremely lucky to have led the life that I have. I come from an extremely loving home and I have a very close, tight-nit family that have always been 100% supportive of me in my endeavors.
Sure, one could interpret a tumultuous childhood such as the one I had as a traumatic experience that any one would need years upon years of psychotherapy to ever overcome. But that's actually not true of mine, and was only able to ever be true for a few brief moments yesterday because I chose to see them that way in order to comport with a diagnosis I had been convinced myself MUST be true.
No, I'm a very lucky girl indeed, for I was birthed by one of the most loving human beings in this world, a woman for whom my admiration and love is incessant and abounding. She may not have a formal education in our society due to circumstances that were beyond her control, but she is such a good woman, which is nothing short of amazing after enduring the traumas that have befallen her in this world. She is and always has been one of the main reasons I am so determined to make something of myself in this life -- she is why I have to succeed. There's just no other option.
The unconditional love she has given me ever since I was a nascent child in her tiny little womb means I owe everything that I am to her.
For even though the man that is my biological father was once able to inflict so much pain on the child that I used to be; and even though he cruelly abandoned me during my formative years, my home was never lacking for love and affection -- she used all of her strength to be the mother and father I so desperately needed during that era of my life, emotionally and financially. My mother was repeatedly beaten and raped by her new husband at the tender age of twenty years old, after an arranged marriage she only agreed to so that her family would allow her to come to America to study. But after the wedding, he went against his word, and denied her the very education he had promised her and my family.
I could go on for quite awhile enumerating and describing his evil deeds in more detail than any child should ever be able to recall, but it's much too painful for me to remember -- I can't even imagine how mother manages to live with it every day of her life.
So earlier today, as we sat discussing some of our more unpleasant memories together, I wound up having the epiphany that I should have had yesterday. Because I knew then that I was entirely mistaken -- I misidentified exactly what it was, but I do indeed have a very serious issue that impedes upon my emotional relationships that causes me to exhibit very unhealthy behaviors at times...
It's not that I have a problem with establishing healthy emotional relationships with men so much as it IS that I have a very deep seated fear of abandonment that causes me so much unnecessary anxiety and fear -- sometimes, and only with certain people. Yet, it's not that I'm afraid of ever being attached to someone because I know they could leave me, per se -- rather, it's that I desperately crave romantic emotional intimacy with another person...
To be continued...
Oh yes.
It was nothing short of totally epic, to be sure! Because, for about a day now, I've been convinced that something must be seriously wrong with my "emotional attachment style." At the time, I determined that there was no doubt that this is primarily due to my relations with James...
The three questions that plagued me:
1) Why do I spend so much time thinking about him?
2) Why do I frequently worry that he's up and decided that he hates me?
3) Why is it that I exhibit a need for excessive self-reassurance from him (i.e. feeling the need to ask him things like, "do you REALLY find me sexually attractive?")
Now, for the discerning reader, I shall provide a little background.
I awoke early today as I had a gazillion things I needed to accomplish. I was at my computer, answering some email and messages from Modelmayhem.com, when my mind began to wander to events that took place yesterday. I went back and reread yesterday's "epiphany" to remind myself of just how I had arrived at the conclusion that I was suddenly so abnormal, reliving the entire process of how I had arrived where I was today in my head.
Not yet seeing any errors in my logic, a feeling of desperation began to overcome me. "My god, something is really wrong with me!" I thought to myself over and over again.
The self-help book I had ordered only the day before was due to arrive at some point today, and surely that alone was a wonderful way to embark on this nascent journey to fix myself. But what would I do in the mean time? How could I ever even leave my room again knowing that I had officially joined the ranks of a type of person I have always loathed and looked down upon -- a meek, overly passive pushover with no self-esteem, emotionally weak codependent person!
No, I didn't have time on my hands to wait even hours -- I had to start fixing myself this minute. So I racked my brain for a few minutes, contemplating all of the options I could conjure up at eight o' clock in the morning before arriving at a decision. .
You see, knowledge is power, and surely I could only begin to fight such a demon when I knew who the demon is, what it can and can't do, and just how this demon ever became extant in the first place. The answer was as simple as it was obvious -- I had to educate myself about just what this "codependency" phenomenon is, which meant I had a LOT of reading to do in my future.
"Well, I had better get started. Who has time to wait for like five hours for the mailman to arrive in the afternoon?" I thought to myself, "Not I."
I sat back down at my computer and began my research. Unfortunately, a simple Amazon.com search turned up well over 1,200 books on codependency alone! Thus, I began reading about all of the books that were the most popular on the topic, quickly concluding that I was going to have to be very meticulous about the author, as the overwhelming majority of the most popular and recommended titles were written from a Christian perspective. I don't care how popular the book is, or how well written it might be -- there's just absolutely no way I could ever stomach some religious fanatic telling me that to find inner peace, I must turn to god. No, I need something grounded in reality and written from a scientific perspective.
I finally settled on a book authored by two PhD's that took an approach that was unlike the popular 12-Step method being advocated by so many. Without hesitation, I purchased the PC kindle version of it so that I could begin reading it right away; hopefully I still had time to finish it before the mailman got here with the next book. It was going to be a long day.
"Unfortunately" (wrapped in quotes because, in retrospect, I'm not sure just how unfortunate it really was), turns out I had only made it to about mid-way through the second chapter by the time I noticed that the object of my infatuation, my darling James, had logged onto Skype.
After a few cordial words to greet him, I immediately launched into a diatribe about what I had slowly been realizing during my reading: codependency shmodependency! This wasn't a book for me. No, this was a book written for people struggling with codependent tendencies, and there was just no possible way I could fall into that category after all. As I got to a list of characteristics that were indicative of whether or not you fit the mold, my repulsion was turning to anger. What a waste of time and money!
You see, the book was painting a picture of a kind of person that I've always viewed as the most pathetic, annoying kind. The "checklist" denoting whether you were codependent contained such items as:
- Feeling trapped in an abusive relationship and unable to end it for fear of losing the other person
- Feeling as if you haven't any worth as a person
- Always thinking about your partner's happiness first and foremost
- Feeling the need to control everything about your partner, such as what kind of clothes they wear or whether or not they can partake in certain activities (i.e. going out with friends, having any kind of life independent from the life you have together, etc...)
- Faking tears to get what you want
- Feeling controlled by the feelings of others
- Wishing others would like and love you more...
- Feeling helpless and powerless to change the situation
Once I began to realize just how diametrically opposed to my very being codependency is, I grew both very angry and very confused. What's worse is, the more I thought about it, I could hardly believe that merely hours ago, I had constructed a personal narrative that dictated that my initial insight was supported by an ample amount of evidence that I was now realizing couldn't possibly be true. Hell no, I wasn't codependent, and I have never been codependent -- the very idea of codependency, relying on others for happiness, is something that I've always seen as disgusting. Actually, the very opposite is true; I have always been a fiercely independent person. How could I have entertained the thought that I'd ever let my own happiness be contingent upon the happiness or another? How could I NOT have known better!
But was this only another example of just how paradoxical so many things about me are? Or rather -- as I was beginning to strongly suspect -- could this be a case of misidentifying and mislabeling certain information that is actually representative of an entirely different problem altogether? Because surely something about my behavior was amiss -- I don't think that had managed to fabricate such unhealthy personality traits. But contrary to my prevailing thoughts in the past twenty four hours, I'm extremely lucky to have led the life that I have. I come from an extremely loving home and I have a very close, tight-nit family that have always been 100% supportive of me in my endeavors.
Sure, one could interpret a tumultuous childhood such as the one I had as a traumatic experience that any one would need years upon years of psychotherapy to ever overcome. But that's actually not true of mine, and was only able to ever be true for a few brief moments yesterday because I chose to see them that way in order to comport with a diagnosis I had been convinced myself MUST be true.
No, I'm a very lucky girl indeed, for I was birthed by one of the most loving human beings in this world, a woman for whom my admiration and love is incessant and abounding. She may not have a formal education in our society due to circumstances that were beyond her control, but she is such a good woman, which is nothing short of amazing after enduring the traumas that have befallen her in this world. She is and always has been one of the main reasons I am so determined to make something of myself in this life -- she is why I have to succeed. There's just no other option.
The unconditional love she has given me ever since I was a nascent child in her tiny little womb means I owe everything that I am to her.
For even though the man that is my biological father was once able to inflict so much pain on the child that I used to be; and even though he cruelly abandoned me during my formative years, my home was never lacking for love and affection -- she used all of her strength to be the mother and father I so desperately needed during that era of my life, emotionally and financially. My mother was repeatedly beaten and raped by her new husband at the tender age of twenty years old, after an arranged marriage she only agreed to so that her family would allow her to come to America to study. But after the wedding, he went against his word, and denied her the very education he had promised her and my family.
I could go on for quite awhile enumerating and describing his evil deeds in more detail than any child should ever be able to recall, but it's much too painful for me to remember -- I can't even imagine how mother manages to live with it every day of her life.
So earlier today, as we sat discussing some of our more unpleasant memories together, I wound up having the epiphany that I should have had yesterday. Because I knew then that I was entirely mistaken -- I misidentified exactly what it was, but I do indeed have a very serious issue that impedes upon my emotional relationships that causes me to exhibit very unhealthy behaviors at times...
It's not that I have a problem with establishing healthy emotional relationships with men so much as it IS that I have a very deep seated fear of abandonment that causes me so much unnecessary anxiety and fear -- sometimes, and only with certain people. Yet, it's not that I'm afraid of ever being attached to someone because I know they could leave me, per se -- rather, it's that I desperately crave romantic emotional intimacy with another person...
To be continued...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
"Dream as if you have forever. Live as if you only have today." -- James Dean
I woke up yesterday, for some reason, very cognizant of the fact that someday, EVERY ONE ALIVE THAT I KNOW TODAY WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD IN LESS THAN A HUNDRED YEARS.
I then had to reconcile that fact with the fact that it almost devalues the importance of everything in our lives and in this world. In fact, one could put forth an argument for just why it is NOTHING really matters, and therefore, shouldn't everyone be of the mindset that they can do whatever they want in this life? Now, this isn't exactly new philosophical territory for me -- show me a serious thinker that hasn't before considered whether or not anything really matters at all? No, it's a pretty basic philosophical dilemma that people everywhere struggle with every day, to be sure.
No, the only remarkable thing about why I awoke from such a vivid dream fully understanding that the importance of anything was so dubious is the very reason that it was on my mind at all -- it was because, in attempting to understand just why my so many of my emotional attachments have in recent times have been failures, I had concluded that one of the main differences I had seen between myself and "happy people" (or those that didn't seem to have so many issues with their interpersonal relationships) was in how much I care I exhibited for everything, from utter minutia to larger, more significant problems. The obvious solution to my misery seemed apparent: I simply needed to become less invested in everything that mattered to me today, because none of it really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
But a "nothing matters" kind of philosophy presents a very serious fundamental problem with some of my other core philosophies in life, such as, what I argue should be an imperative for all human beings-- and that is that people ought to strive to be good people and do good throughout their lives.
This is because, I would argue, human societies function best when other members of our species work together, helping one another and doing good to so that we can evolve, what I believe to be the very point of our existence -- to evolve and become better. The good of our species, I would also argue, is only achievable when there is some sort of law and order to direct its citizens -- if everyone just did whatever the hell they wanted for hedonistic reasons, we would have absolute anarchy, and a completely anarchical society would thus defeat the very philosophy of hedonism because if everyone lived their lives without a care for others, then everyone's pleasure would be diminished. The very philosophy of hedonism is thus self-defeating.
So perhaps an important caveat missing from that quote would be *so long as your actions don't impede on the happiness of others.* Or perhaps it would better read as:
"Dream today as if you'll have forever, but live as if you'll only have today -- so long as you do everything you can not to hurt another creature unnecessarily." Thus including the killing of members of other species for food. The life style that is vegetarianism is a profoundly interesting philosophical debate, but that's for another time.
So I have a major issue with pure hedonism as philosophy for life, and anyone that has truly thought about anything undoubtedly does (well, I suppose someone somewhere may exist that actually maintains a well-thought out argument or position of hedonism and just how and why it could possibly be the best philosophy to live by, although I've certainly never heard it, nor can I even imagine just how you would iron out all of the major flaws in such a life philosophy).
Which leads to my next point. As you well know, I've had unprecedented amounts of free time on my hands lately to really delve into and iron out my philosophical stances on various issues, as well as the time to really work on shaping myself into the person I want to be. I believe that human beings are infinitely malleable, almost nothing is set in stone behavior-wise, and that we have our entire lives to evolve and improve upon ourselves.
But lately, my behavior regarding my interpersonal relationships has been extremely troubling for me. But after doing quite a bit of research into why and what these specific personality traits are that I consider highly destructive and very negative, I understand more about myself than ever before. You see, I have what is known in psychology as an insecure-attachment style. It's part of psychology's "Attachment Theories":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
For someone as interested and fascinated in psychology as I am, I highly recommend doing a bit of reading and research into these attachment theories. It's truly a fascinating concept, one that may help to shed light on the dynamics of your previous and future relationships.
Anyways, after doing a few hours of research into this, I bought one of the only books I could find about my specific attachment style, which is called the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style:
***The book I ordered: http://www.amazon.com/gp/
Now, while the anxious-preoccupied attachment style isn't 100% accurate for me, nothing really ever is 100%, and I find the preceding paragraph to be mostly true. The book will arrive tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED to read it, you have no idea. As I already stated, one thing that's become particularly apparent as of late -- and almost certainly as a direct result of relations between James and I -- is that something is really wrong with with most of my romantic relationships, perhaps one of the only exceptions to the rule, in terms of previous serious relationships, being J.D., the guy I lost my virginity to and stayed with for over 6 years. Unfortunately, even though there has definitely been a prominent pattern of behavior when I become romantically interested in someone, I really just realized how unhealthy my behavior can be for the first time ever; for instance, wanting to spend so much time with said person, or always feeling like the other person must hate me when he doesn't respond to me the way I think he should, etc...
I don't want to be an unhappy woman that only feels content in life when she is with someone, and I'd rather die then ever allow myself to, for the rest of my life, exhibit such unhealthy behaviors, mainly, feeling that my own happiness is reliant on another individual. That's not a life. I have too much pride to ever be okay with the status quo -- I cannot depend upon other people for my happiness. I just will not allow myself to be this way any longer, for if I can't discover how to be truly happy alone, how could I possibly expect that depending upon another could give me the happiness I so crave?
I can do this, I know I can. I certainly have the desire and the will-power to see a REAL change through, and I know that I will succeed. I have to.
There's just no other option.
My new plan of action is to read this book when it gets here tomorrow, then, when I get back from Israel in July, start attending psychological therapy for a multitude of issues I have, ranging from the dramatic losses in my life due to this brain injury, to a traumatic childhood, to having such an unhealthy attachment style in my interpersonal relationships.
They're all interconnected somehow.
Having such a physically abusive, financially and emotionally absent and abusive father no doubt has everything to do with just how I ever developed such unhealthy tendencies. I cannot fathom the reason this brain injury has somehow brought to this issue to the forefront, but somehow it has.
It's never too late to utterly revamp your life.
I then had to reconcile that fact with the fact that it almost devalues the importance of everything in our lives and in this world. In fact, one could put forth an argument for just why it is NOTHING really matters, and therefore, shouldn't everyone be of the mindset that they can do whatever they want in this life? Now, this isn't exactly new philosophical territory for me -- show me a serious thinker that hasn't before considered whether or not anything really matters at all? No, it's a pretty basic philosophical dilemma that people everywhere struggle with every day, to be sure.
No, the only remarkable thing about why I awoke from such a vivid dream fully understanding that the importance of anything was so dubious is the very reason that it was on my mind at all -- it was because, in attempting to understand just why my so many of my emotional attachments have in recent times have been failures, I had concluded that one of the main differences I had seen between myself and "happy people" (or those that didn't seem to have so many issues with their interpersonal relationships) was in how much I care I exhibited for everything, from utter minutia to larger, more significant problems. The obvious solution to my misery seemed apparent: I simply needed to become less invested in everything that mattered to me today, because none of it really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
But a "nothing matters" kind of philosophy presents a very serious fundamental problem with some of my other core philosophies in life, such as, what I argue should be an imperative for all human beings-- and that is that people ought to strive to be good people and do good throughout their lives.
This is because, I would argue, human societies function best when other members of our species work together, helping one another and doing good to so that we can evolve, what I believe to be the very point of our existence -- to evolve and become better. The good of our species, I would also argue, is only achievable when there is some sort of law and order to direct its citizens -- if everyone just did whatever the hell they wanted for hedonistic reasons, we would have absolute anarchy, and a completely anarchical society would thus defeat the very philosophy of hedonism because if everyone lived their lives without a care for others, then everyone's pleasure would be diminished. The very philosophy of hedonism is thus self-defeating.
So perhaps an important caveat missing from that quote would be *so long as your actions don't impede on the happiness of others.* Or perhaps it would better read as:
"Dream today as if you'll have forever, but live as if you'll only have today -- so long as you do everything you can not to hurt another creature unnecessarily." Thus including the killing of members of other species for food. The life style that is vegetarianism is a profoundly interesting philosophical debate, but that's for another time.
So I have a major issue with pure hedonism as philosophy for life, and anyone that has truly thought about anything undoubtedly does (well, I suppose someone somewhere may exist that actually maintains a well-thought out argument or position of hedonism and just how and why it could possibly be the best philosophy to live by, although I've certainly never heard it, nor can I even imagine just how you would iron out all of the major flaws in such a life philosophy).
Which leads to my next point. As you well know, I've had unprecedented amounts of free time on my hands lately to really delve into and iron out my philosophical stances on various issues, as well as the time to really work on shaping myself into the person I want to be. I believe that human beings are infinitely malleable, almost nothing is set in stone behavior-wise, and that we have our entire lives to evolve and improve upon ourselves.
But lately, my behavior regarding my interpersonal relationships has been extremely troubling for me. But after doing quite a bit of research into why and what these specific personality traits are that I consider highly destructive and very negative, I understand more about myself than ever before. You see, I have what is known in psychology as an insecure-attachment style. It's part of psychology's "Attachment Theories":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Attachment theory describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory is an interdisciplinary study encompassing the fields of psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory.
For someone as interested and fascinated in psychology as I am, I highly recommend doing a bit of reading and research into these attachment theories. It's truly a fascinating concept, one that may help to shed light on the dynamics of your previous and future relationships.
Anyways, after doing a few hours of research into this, I bought one of the only books I could find about my specific attachment style, which is called the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style:
***The book I ordered: http://www.amazon.com/gp/
Anxious–preoccupied attachment
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
Now, while the anxious-preoccupied attachment style isn't 100% accurate for me, nothing really ever is 100%, and I find the preceding paragraph to be mostly true. The book will arrive tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED to read it, you have no idea. As I already stated, one thing that's become particularly apparent as of late -- and almost certainly as a direct result of relations between James and I -- is that something is really wrong with with most of my romantic relationships, perhaps one of the only exceptions to the rule, in terms of previous serious relationships, being J.D., the guy I lost my virginity to and stayed with for over 6 years. Unfortunately, even though there has definitely been a prominent pattern of behavior when I become romantically interested in someone, I really just realized how unhealthy my behavior can be for the first time ever; for instance, wanting to spend so much time with said person, or always feeling like the other person must hate me when he doesn't respond to me the way I think he should, etc...
I don't want to be an unhappy woman that only feels content in life when she is with someone, and I'd rather die then ever allow myself to, for the rest of my life, exhibit such unhealthy behaviors, mainly, feeling that my own happiness is reliant on another individual. That's not a life. I have too much pride to ever be okay with the status quo -- I cannot depend upon other people for my happiness. I just will not allow myself to be this way any longer, for if I can't discover how to be truly happy alone, how could I possibly expect that depending upon another could give me the happiness I so crave?
I can do this, I know I can. I certainly have the desire and the will-power to see a REAL change through, and I know that I will succeed. I have to.
There's just no other option.
My new plan of action is to read this book when it gets here tomorrow, then, when I get back from Israel in July, start attending psychological therapy for a multitude of issues I have, ranging from the dramatic losses in my life due to this brain injury, to a traumatic childhood, to having such an unhealthy attachment style in my interpersonal relationships.
They're all interconnected somehow.
Having such a physically abusive, financially and emotionally absent and abusive father no doubt has everything to do with just how I ever developed such unhealthy tendencies. I cannot fathom the reason this brain injury has somehow brought to this issue to the forefront, but somehow it has.
It's never too late to utterly revamp your life.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Our song...
"Everyone has a skeleton
And a closet to keep it in
And your mine...
Every song has a you
A "you" that the singer sings to
And you're it this time
Baby, you're it this time
When I need to wipe my face
I use the back of my hand
And I like to take up space
Just because i can
And i use my dress
To wipe up my drink
You know, I care less and less
What people think
And you're so lame
You always disappoint me
It's kind of like a running joke...
But it's really not funny
And I just want you to live up to
The image of you that I create
I see you and I'm so unsatisfied
I see you and I dilate...
When i say you sucked my brain out
The english translation
Is I am in love with you
and it is no fun
But i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
But don't look so offended
You know, you should be flattered..."
Ani Difranco -- Dilate
And a closet to keep it in
And your mine...
Every song has a you
A "you" that the singer sings to
And you're it this time
Baby, you're it this time
When I need to wipe my face
I use the back of my hand
And I like to take up space
Just because i can
And i use my dress
To wipe up my drink
You know, I care less and less
What people think
And you're so lame
You always disappoint me
It's kind of like a running joke...
But it's really not funny
And I just want you to live up to
The image of you that I create
I see you and I'm so unsatisfied
I see you and I dilate...
When i say you sucked my brain out
The english translation
Is I am in love with you
and it is no fun
But i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
But don't look so offended
You know, you should be flattered..."
Ani Difranco -- Dilate
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Can the reality possibly live up to our fantasies?
I'm so happy -- the grass is green, the sky is a magnificent sapphire blue, the roses are in bloom, and my heart feels so happy. Everything is glowing, the colors are more vivid and intense, our passion for each other is a burning red hot flame...
But can the reality possibly live up to our fantasies? I have such a strong feeling that not only will it live up to our fantasies, but it will surpass even our highest expectations.
I've never felt so certain about anything in my life.
But can the reality possibly live up to our fantasies? I have such a strong feeling that not only will it live up to our fantasies, but it will surpass even our highest expectations.
I've never felt so certain about anything in my life.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentines Day -- 2012
Well, after going through quite a dramatic episode with James that causes me to do something I swore I'd never do to this blog -- i.e. delete any of my posts, no matter how embarrassing in retrospect -- I'm happy to report that everything was resolved for the best.
I only wish he were here for this Valentines Day...
*sigh*
I only wish he were here for this Valentines Day...
*sigh*