THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

But there’s another reason you might be attracted to an avoidant
partner if you are anxious. In Emily’s case, David’s subtle indicators of
uncertainty and unavailability made her feel insecure. This is often what
happens, even very early in the relationship, if you are anxious and
dating an avoidant. Quite soon into the relationship you start to get
mixed signals. He (or she) calls, but takes his time about it; he’s
interested in you, but lets you understand that he’s still playing the field.
You are left guessing. Every time you get mixed messages, your
attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the
relationship. But then he compliments you or makes a romantic
gesture that gets your heart racing, and you tell yourself he’s interested
after all; you’re elated. Unfortunately, the bliss is very short-lived.
Quickly the positive messages become mixed once again with
ambiguous ones and again you find yourself plunging down that roller
coaster. You now live in suspense, anticipating that next small remark
or gesture that will reassure you. After living like this for a while, you
start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the
preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy
with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment
system with passion.

If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get
attracted to those very individuals who are leaHE LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS—WHY YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO MEET AVOIDANTS WHEN
YOU GO OUT ON A DATE

There is one last reason you will probably meet and date a fair share
of avoidant people. Consider the following three facts:

• People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their
relationships more frequently. One study found that of
individuals who entered a new marriage following a divorce, the
avoidant ones were more likely to divorce again. They also
suppress loving emotions and therefore “get over” partners very
quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately.
Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently
and for longer periods of time.
• People with a secure attachment style usually don’t go through
many partners before they find one that they happily settle down
with. Once things click, they form a long-lasting, committed
relationship. Conclusion: People with a secure attachment
style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at
all.
• Studies have found that avoidants are unlikely to be in a
relationship with other avoidants, because they lack the
emotional glue to stay together. In fact, one study that looked at
dating couples didn’t find even one pair that was avoidantavoidant.
Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they
are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.

Now let’s put the pieces of this puzzle together.

When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an
avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size
in the population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the
dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least
not for long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because
secures are less available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You
and other potential partners with an anxious attachment style.st likely to make you
happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the
opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love.
As we’ve seen, one of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s most important insights
is that in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure
base from which to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen,
our attachment system must be calm and secure.

Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love.
Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious,
insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—
tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not
love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still
waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.

But THIS is the really scary prospect.

You know, I've totally thought about this before... the possibility that I may wind up being alone forever because all the "good ones" have already been taken. Everything in my life seems to make so much more sense after reading this book -- no wonder all of my romantic interests in recent times have all been so tumultuous; they've all been the kind of person I need to avoid in order to establish a "secure base" of a relationship!

THE LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS—WHY YOU
ARE MORE LIKELY TO MEET AVOIDANTS WHEN
YOU GO OUT ON A DATE

There is one last reason you will probably meet and date a fair share
of avoidant people. Consider the following three facts:

• People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their
relationships more frequently. One study found that of
individuals who entered a new marriage following a divorce, the
avoidant ones were more likely to divorce again. They also
suppress loving emotions and therefore “get over” partners very
quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately.
Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently
and for longer periods of time.
• People with a secure attachment style usually don’t go through
many partners before they find one that they happily settle down
with. Once things click, they form a long-lasting, committed
relationship. Conclusion: People with a secure attachment
style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at
all.
• Studies have found that avoidants are unlikely to be in a
relationship with other avoidants, because they lack the
emotional glue to stay together. In fact, one study that looked at
dating couples didn’t find even one pair that was avoidantavoidant.
Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they
are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.
Now let’s put the pieces of this puzzle together.
When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an
avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size
in the population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the
dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least
not for long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because
secures are less available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You
and other potential partners with an anxious attachment style.

 And this is exactly why I've allowed so many people that I've always known aren't really good matches for me to cause me so much self doubt -- I never realized it, but I was trying to be someone I'm not.

Truth of the matter is you can't really change how you form attachments with people and the level of intimacy your comfortable with or want. I used to feel ashamed for secretly longing to be able to depend on someone emotionally so much. Occasionally I would suspect that people considered me high maintenance and clingy, and I myself feared I was "clingy."

But now I understand that there's nothing wrong with me for being the way I am. I AM someone that requires a lot of attention and quality time with my significant other, and for the very first time in my life, I don't feel shamed about that. I DO tend to become obsessive about people I'm romantically interested in -- thinking about them all the time, even squelching some of my most important needs in order to meet theirs. I AM insecure about my relationships because I feel that they're trying to pull away from me emotionally, and I want them to be my best friend. I *need* that closeness. It's just who I am, and there's nothing wrong with me for craving that need as badly as I do.

Wow, have I mentioned how life changing this book is?    

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOLLOW COMMON
DATING ADVICE?

Say you decide to follow the advice of many popular relationship
books. They offer guidelines to help you “land” a partner, such as:
Don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re
not, don’t call him—wait for him to call you, don’t appear to care too
much, act mysterious. Presumably, you preserve your dignity and
independence in this way and gain your partner’s respect. But in fact,
what you are doing is behaving in a way that is not true to your genuine
needs and feelings. You wave these aside to appear strong and self sufficient.
And indeed, these books and the advice they give are right;
these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive. What
they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science,
is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind
of partner—an avoidant one. Why? Because, in essence, what they
are advocating is that you ignore your needs and let the other person
determine the amount of closeness/distance in the relationship. The
avoidant person can have his/her cake and eat it too, so to speak—
s/he can enjoy the thrill and closeness you naturally project when you
are together without having to consider your needs for intimacy and
togetherness the rest of the time. By being someone you’re not, you’re
allowing another to be with you on his or her own terms and come and
go as s/he pleases.

Another problem is that if this type of game playing is only an act for
you, it’s going to backfire in the long run. First, your avoidant partner
will quickly catch on to you—they are good at detecting people who
want to impinge on their autonomy. Second, eventually you’ll think it’s
time to let your true colors show. After all, what you really want is to
reach a high degree of intimacy, to spend a lot of quality time together,
to be able to let down your guard. But you’ll find that when you do so,
your avoidant partner will suddenly get cold feet and start to
disengage. Either way, you lose, because you are attracting the wrong
kind of partner for you.

Now I must deal with what I've always really known: James has many qualities that comport with my own, and we ARE compatible in many ways. However, unless he were to actively strive to overcome his fear of intimacy and insistence on being so self-reliant (and I'm not holding my breath on that one), he's not an ideal partner for me. Just the very opposite, in fact. He's EXACTLY the kind of guy that will most activate my attachment system (i.e. inflame my insecurities) and our relationship -- even the friendship part of it -- will likely always be a mix of incredible highs and extremely low lows, something I've already thought about.

Which is truly a damn shame, for there's just so much stuff about him that kicks all ass. But there goes the anxious-preoccupied part of me again, that always thinks, every time I become romantically interested in someone, at least, "I'LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE [insert name here] AGAIN IN MY LIFE! THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO BE WITH SOMEONE SO UNIQUE AND COOL!"

I never knew until reading this book that it's actually quite normal that I actually think that EVERY TIME someone I want to be close to starts to pull away. I'll never find someone like James again... and before him, it was I'll never be with someone as unique as Gavin again! Before that, it was Anton, and before him it was John, and before him, J.D. I've always of wondered why I always thought that about people I become interested in...

Know what's interesting? What's interesting is that I'm already 31 years old, and although, as attachment theory so accurately predicts, even though I've rarely been without an object of intense attraction for even more than a few months in my life, I've still only really been with a few men throughout my life.