I then had to reconcile that fact with the fact that it almost devalues the importance of everything in our lives and in this world. In fact, one could put forth an argument for just why it is NOTHING really matters, and therefore, shouldn't everyone be of the mindset that they can do whatever they want in this life? Now, this isn't exactly new philosophical territory for me -- show me a serious thinker that hasn't before considered whether or not anything really matters at all? No, it's a pretty basic philosophical dilemma that people everywhere struggle with every day, to be sure.
No, the only remarkable thing about why I awoke from such a vivid dream fully understanding that the importance of anything was so dubious is the very reason that it was on my mind at all -- it was because, in attempting to understand just why my so many of my emotional attachments have in recent times have been failures, I had concluded that one of the main differences I had seen between myself and "happy people" (or those that didn't seem to have so many issues with their interpersonal relationships) was in how much I care I exhibited for everything, from utter minutia to larger, more significant problems. The obvious solution to my misery seemed apparent: I simply needed to become less invested in everything that mattered to me today, because none of it really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
But a "nothing matters" kind of philosophy presents a very serious fundamental problem with some of my other core philosophies in life, such as, what I argue should be an imperative for all human beings-- and that is that people ought to strive to be good people and do good throughout their lives.
This is because, I would argue, human societies function best when other members of our species work together, helping one another and doing good to so that we can evolve, what I believe to be the very point of our existence -- to evolve and become better. The good of our species, I would also argue, is only achievable when there is some sort of law and order to direct its citizens -- if everyone just did whatever the hell they wanted for hedonistic reasons, we would have absolute anarchy, and a completely anarchical society would thus defeat the very philosophy of hedonism because if everyone lived their lives without a care for others, then everyone's pleasure would be diminished. The very philosophy of hedonism is thus self-defeating.
So perhaps an important caveat missing from that quote would be *so long as your actions don't impede on the happiness of others.* Or perhaps it would better read as:
"Dream today as if you'll have forever, but live as if you'll only have today -- so long as you do everything you can not to hurt another creature unnecessarily." Thus including the killing of members of other species for food. The life style that is vegetarianism is a profoundly interesting philosophical debate, but that's for another time.
So I have a major issue with pure hedonism as philosophy for life, and anyone that has truly thought about anything undoubtedly does (well, I suppose someone somewhere may exist that actually maintains a well-thought out argument or position of hedonism and just how and why it could possibly be the best philosophy to live by, although I've certainly never heard it, nor can I even imagine just how you would iron out all of the major flaws in such a life philosophy).
Which leads to my next point. As you well know, I've had unprecedented amounts of free time on my hands lately to really delve into and iron out my philosophical stances on various issues, as well as the time to really work on shaping myself into the person I want to be. I believe that human beings are infinitely malleable, almost nothing is set in stone behavior-wise, and that we have our entire lives to evolve and improve upon ourselves.
But lately, my behavior regarding my interpersonal relationships has been extremely troubling for me. But after doing quite a bit of research into why and what these specific personality traits are that I consider highly destructive and very negative, I understand more about myself than ever before. You see, I have what is known in psychology as an insecure-attachment style. It's part of psychology's "Attachment Theories":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Attachment theory describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory is an interdisciplinary study encompassing the fields of psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory.
For someone as interested and fascinated in psychology as I am, I highly recommend doing a bit of reading and research into these attachment theories. It's truly a fascinating concept, one that may help to shed light on the dynamics of your previous and future relationships.
Anyways, after doing a few hours of research into this, I bought one of the only books I could find about my specific attachment style, which is called the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style:
***The book I ordered: http://www.amazon.com/gp/
Anxious–preoccupied attachment
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
Now, while the anxious-preoccupied attachment style isn't 100% accurate for me, nothing really ever is 100%, and I find the preceding paragraph to be mostly true. The book will arrive tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED to read it, you have no idea. As I already stated, one thing that's become particularly apparent as of late -- and almost certainly as a direct result of relations between James and I -- is that something is really wrong with with most of my romantic relationships, perhaps one of the only exceptions to the rule, in terms of previous serious relationships, being J.D., the guy I lost my virginity to and stayed with for over 6 years. Unfortunately, even though there has definitely been a prominent pattern of behavior when I become romantically interested in someone, I really just realized how unhealthy my behavior can be for the first time ever; for instance, wanting to spend so much time with said person, or always feeling like the other person must hate me when he doesn't respond to me the way I think he should, etc...
I don't want to be an unhappy woman that only feels content in life when she is with someone, and I'd rather die then ever allow myself to, for the rest of my life, exhibit such unhealthy behaviors, mainly, feeling that my own happiness is reliant on another individual. That's not a life. I have too much pride to ever be okay with the status quo -- I cannot depend upon other people for my happiness. I just will not allow myself to be this way any longer, for if I can't discover how to be truly happy alone, how could I possibly expect that depending upon another could give me the happiness I so crave?
I can do this, I know I can. I certainly have the desire and the will-power to see a REAL change through, and I know that I will succeed. I have to.
There's just no other option.
My new plan of action is to read this book when it gets here tomorrow, then, when I get back from Israel in July, start attending psychological therapy for a multitude of issues I have, ranging from the dramatic losses in my life due to this brain injury, to a traumatic childhood, to having such an unhealthy attachment style in my interpersonal relationships.
They're all interconnected somehow.
Having such a physically abusive, financially and emotionally absent and abusive father no doubt has everything to do with just how I ever developed such unhealthy tendencies. I cannot fathom the reason this brain injury has somehow brought to this issue to the forefront, but somehow it has.
It's never too late to utterly revamp your life.
