I'm so happy -- the grass is green, the sky is a magnificent sapphire blue, the roses are in bloom, and my heart feels so happy. Everything is glowing, the colors are more vivid and intense, our passion for each other is a burning red hot flame...
But can the reality possibly live up to our fantasies? I have such a strong feeling that not only will it live up to our fantasies, but it will surpass even our highest expectations.
I've never felt so certain about anything in my life.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentines Day -- 2012
Well, after going through quite a dramatic episode with James that causes me to do something I swore I'd never do to this blog -- i.e. delete any of my posts, no matter how embarrassing in retrospect -- I'm happy to report that everything was resolved for the best.
I only wish he were here for this Valentines Day...
*sigh*
I only wish he were here for this Valentines Day...
*sigh*
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
I feel like I'm being so superficial...
...but is it really so much that I've begun to expect that any future potential romances not to look like fucking trolls, for chrissakes?
Okay, let me be honest here; I seek something more than just adequate. Which is to say that I want to feel a burning hot passion inside of me for someone. I really want to be completely smitten; I long to feel enraptured and utterly enthralled by someone else again.
That's the lesson of momentous proportions I've only really learned recently. That physical beauty matters much more than I ever before thought it should. I must concede that my expectations have been driven sky high by a very recent experience (the experience that I shall NOT give name to) -- and I just won't settle for less than the complete package anymore, dammit. I want someone who's physical beauty captivates me AND whose mind utterly intrigues me in every way imaginable. And I now know it's possible -- I stole a brief glance at the kind of perfection I allude to not too long ago.
Alas, it wasn't what I thought it was. But I almost had it -- I can still taste the goodness...
So, frustrated with the hordes of ugly people that seem to be so abundant on the social networking/internet dating websites I've been using, I began searching for one half of the equation; I began looking for a dating/social networking site for attractive people.
Lo and behold, beautifulpeople.com.
It's a start.
Okay, let me be honest here; I seek something more than just adequate. Which is to say that I want to feel a burning hot passion inside of me for someone. I really want to be completely smitten; I long to feel enraptured and utterly enthralled by someone else again.
That's the lesson of momentous proportions I've only really learned recently. That physical beauty matters much more than I ever before thought it should. I must concede that my expectations have been driven sky high by a very recent experience (the experience that I shall NOT give name to) -- and I just won't settle for less than the complete package anymore, dammit. I want someone who's physical beauty captivates me AND whose mind utterly intrigues me in every way imaginable. And I now know it's possible -- I stole a brief glance at the kind of perfection I allude to not too long ago.
Alas, it wasn't what I thought it was. But I almost had it -- I can still taste the goodness...
So, frustrated with the hordes of ugly people that seem to be so abundant on the social networking/internet dating websites I've been using, I began searching for one half of the equation; I began looking for a dating/social networking site for attractive people.
Lo and behold, beautifulpeople.com.
It's a start.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Shenanigans from the past?
Haven't posted much lately because, well, nothing new or profound has really been happening. I've been focused on scoring this job at Sears in downtown Saint Paul, but get this: I go in for two interviews, both of the managers are super impressed with me and hire me right after the second interview -- contingent on a drug test and background check.
So I'm thinking, okay, no problem. Haven't smoked in well over a month, and no criminal history, this should be easy...
Not so.
Apparently, the background check pulls up a trespassing conviction from 2003! So, the manager in human resources at Sears calls to inform of this, and requests that I come in to fill out a detailed statement explaining why I have this on my record.
"Trespassing conviction? 2003? Are you fucking kidding with me?" I think. How am I supposed to explain something I don't even remember?!
Well, long story short, I rack my brain for several days trying to recall a trespassing charge from 2003, and after I'm convinced this must be some kind of mistake, early one morning, the incident for which I was convicted for trespassing suddenly dawns upon me. I'll summarize:
See, back in 2003, much to my embarrassment, my politics were to the left of figures like Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore. Thus, it should go without saying that I was virulently antiwar. So much so that I joined up with an antiwar group and committed civil disobedience along with around fifty other anti-war protestors in Minneapolis (at the government center, I believe).
And I had totally even forgotten that such a thing had even transpired!
So I'm thinking, okay, no problem. Haven't smoked in well over a month, and no criminal history, this should be easy...
Not so.
Apparently, the background check pulls up a trespassing conviction from 2003! So, the manager in human resources at Sears calls to inform of this, and requests that I come in to fill out a detailed statement explaining why I have this on my record.
"Trespassing conviction? 2003? Are you fucking kidding with me?" I think. How am I supposed to explain something I don't even remember?!
Well, long story short, I rack my brain for several days trying to recall a trespassing charge from 2003, and after I'm convinced this must be some kind of mistake, early one morning, the incident for which I was convicted for trespassing suddenly dawns upon me. I'll summarize:
See, back in 2003, much to my embarrassment, my politics were to the left of figures like Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore. Thus, it should go without saying that I was virulently antiwar. So much so that I joined up with an antiwar group and committed civil disobedience along with around fifty other anti-war protestors in Minneapolis (at the government center, I believe).
And I had totally even forgotten that such a thing had even transpired!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A perfect love song
So, I was sobbing to Liam about Butt-Muncher tonight, much to my shame, when he mentioned this song:
As Is -- Ani Difranco
That song is just the most perfect love song I've ever heard.
As Is -- Ani Difranco
That song is just the most perfect love song I've ever heard.
Why polyamory?
Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory
So often monogamous couples have mismatched libidos or similar challenges, and have limited options on how to remedy that situation. This adds up to a LOT of people not getting their needs met, which results in a bunch of unfulfilled and unhappy folks. This leads to insecurity and fear, which is often unfairly projected on others.
Why is it acceptable in our society to love more than one sport with a passion? Read different books? Why is it acceptable to love more than one child? Yet it’s not okay to love more than one person romantically at a time.
I compare monogamy to a Chinese takeout menu. Let’s pretend you can choose whatever you want from that menu, which is still plenty of variety. But then one day someone offers you an Italian menu. Would you stick with the same diet you’ve been eating for months, or would you want to try something new? (This is not to say that you wouldn’t go back to your preferred meal after you’ve tasted the other.)
Our brains thrive on novel experiences. It’s natural for that to have a sexual outlet, as sex is such an integral part of our makeup.
My friend says, “Love is like an ocean, not a bathtub. One person doesn’t need to get out in order for another to get in.”
I tweeted that quote and a man replied, “But you can be eaten by sharks, capsized in a storm, captured by pirates, sunk by torpedoes in the ocean, much less likely in bath.”
This man very wisely observed that embarking on emotional uncharted territories comes with risk. But it can also reap huge rewards.
Polyamory IS more complicated. Polyamory is NOT superior. I strive to find other poly people who are as stable as we are, and keep coming up short. As I watch my friends cycle through their maddening poly dramas, I wonder if it’s such a good relationship model, after all. But here’s a thought: maybe the goal isn’t to have a healthy relationship.
Maybe the unspoken goal is to intensify the living experience.
Just as some people express their passions through salsa dancing, running marathons, or climbing mountains, polys follow their passion through loving. Since sex is so taboo in our society, polys are more often misunderstood and feared than people with mainstream passions.
It’s endearing for a woman to run a cupcake blog and bake a different cupcake recipe every day of the year. It’s admirable for a couple to grow prized orchids or breed teacup Chihuahuas. But to love Peggy AND Sue at the same time? That’s scary.
And no matter how much of a trainwreck the poly person is portraying on Twitter, he or she is living open and honestly in a culture that treats sex as something to be ashamed of. I have huge respect for their authentic approach.
Here’s a little secret: polyamorous relationships often include sex (some joke that is should be called polyfuckery), but not always. I’ve had several people contact me describing their unusual situation: for example, the wife’s best friend has been living with them for over five years. There’s no sex involved, but they do everything together, they consider her part of the family, and they even joke about her being “his other wife.” They ask me, is that poly?
I say yes. The poly groups I’ve polled agree with me.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A short-lived "affair"
After thinking about the post I wrote earlier this evening, much to my dismay, I think I've arrived at definitive conclusion that I'm going to adhere to from now on as far as "Achmed" is concerned:
As attracted as I am to "Achmed", it's morally wrong for me to occupy the role of "the other woman" in what is a monogamous relationship. I think Liam summed it up best in the comments section of my first post tonight when he said that the difference between cheating, affairs, swinging polyamory, and open relationships was the "informed consent of all concerned."
Thus, as against lying as I am, I have to attribute the failing of my moral compass last night to simple horniness: and that's not a very good excuse for the future. I behaved dishonorably last night. Truth of the matter is I'm not okay with occupying the role of "the other woman" so long as the other woman is convinced she's in a monogamous relationship with said person, and I'm certainly not going to assist anyone else in being so dishonest.
Which really sucks, because I am so incredibly attracted to "Achmed".
*sigh*
I wish things were as simple as they should be. In my ideal world, "Achmed" would simply bring up having an open relationship with his wife, she would of course see the sheer stupidity of strictly monogamous relationships, and give him her consent. Alas, the overwhelming majority of people, quite frankly, are pretty stupid, or just haven't ever given any real thought to the very premises of such a lifestyle.
As attracted as I am to "Achmed", it's morally wrong for me to occupy the role of "the other woman" in what is a monogamous relationship. I think Liam summed it up best in the comments section of my first post tonight when he said that the difference between cheating, affairs, swinging polyamory, and open relationships was the "informed consent of all concerned."
Thus, as against lying as I am, I have to attribute the failing of my moral compass last night to simple horniness: and that's not a very good excuse for the future. I behaved dishonorably last night. Truth of the matter is I'm not okay with occupying the role of "the other woman" so long as the other woman is convinced she's in a monogamous relationship with said person, and I'm certainly not going to assist anyone else in being so dishonest.
Which really sucks, because I am so incredibly attracted to "Achmed".
*sigh*
I wish things were as simple as they should be. In my ideal world, "Achmed" would simply bring up having an open relationship with his wife, she would of course see the sheer stupidity of strictly monogamous relationships, and give him her consent. Alas, the overwhelming majority of people, quite frankly, are pretty stupid, or just haven't ever given any real thought to the very premises of such a lifestyle.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Occupying the role of "the other woman"
I sure know how to pick 'em, that's for sure. So after roller skating at Roller Garden last night, I head on over to Club Jager with my new friend, whom we'll just refer to as "Achmed," for purposes of discretion. Any ways, "Achmed" is the Jew I found at Roller Garden a few weeks back, heh.
I found a new Jew!
So anyways, it's really strange because I hate beards so very much, and he's got a full blown beard, but I've thought "Achmed" was super hot for some time now (and he is; he's a karate instructor, so he's totally got a hot ass body, as well), but I never acted on my attraction because, although I'm poly, he's married with three children, and I typically don't want to be involved in anything like that; if nothing else, I don't like the dishonesty involved in "those types" of situations.
Nonetheless, I had a feeling something was going to happen between us last night from the very get-go, to be honest. You know how you just seem to know when these things are gonna happen? Say, you and said individual just seem to be standing closer to each other during the night, or when they look at you, their gaze lingers for just a half a second too long, etc... Well, that was kind of happening; but then "Achmed" started talking about how badly his back hurt from driving all day (he had just driven back from North Dakota that night), and so I offered him a massage as we sat around the bonfire out in the back of Club Jager.
Well, as I massaged him, I could feel how sexy the definition of his muscles were, and he was seated right in between my legs with both hands gripping the underside of my legs as I sensually massaged out the knots from his back for close to a few hours (when "Achmed" questioned how my hands weren't tired after that long, Ryan stepped in and exclaimed how I've always had incredible endurance when it came to massages, heh).
Sad thing is, there isn't too much more to tell. After bar closing, we were seated the Jaguar for a while, sort of fooling around. I'm a little ashamed, in retrospect, because I was totally ready to fuck the shit out of him right then and there, but his conscience was troubling him; you know, that whole wife and three kids thing. I was vociferously arguing from a polyamorous perspective how, as long as she didn't know, it shouldn't matter -- even though I truly think that it does matter greatly that you're being dishonest with someone. I guess what I really meant is that it shouldn't matter, and they should trust each other enough to know that feelings of jealousy are to be overcome...
Perhaps I'll write a little more later.
I found a new Jew!
So anyways, it's really strange because I hate beards so very much, and he's got a full blown beard, but I've thought "Achmed" was super hot for some time now (and he is; he's a karate instructor, so he's totally got a hot ass body, as well), but I never acted on my attraction because, although I'm poly, he's married with three children, and I typically don't want to be involved in anything like that; if nothing else, I don't like the dishonesty involved in "those types" of situations.
Nonetheless, I had a feeling something was going to happen between us last night from the very get-go, to be honest. You know how you just seem to know when these things are gonna happen? Say, you and said individual just seem to be standing closer to each other during the night, or when they look at you, their gaze lingers for just a half a second too long, etc... Well, that was kind of happening; but then "Achmed" started talking about how badly his back hurt from driving all day (he had just driven back from North Dakota that night), and so I offered him a massage as we sat around the bonfire out in the back of Club Jager.
Well, as I massaged him, I could feel how sexy the definition of his muscles were, and he was seated right in between my legs with both hands gripping the underside of my legs as I sensually massaged out the knots from his back for close to a few hours (when "Achmed" questioned how my hands weren't tired after that long, Ryan stepped in and exclaimed how I've always had incredible endurance when it came to massages, heh).
Sad thing is, there isn't too much more to tell. After bar closing, we were seated the Jaguar for a while, sort of fooling around. I'm a little ashamed, in retrospect, because I was totally ready to fuck the shit out of him right then and there, but his conscience was troubling him; you know, that whole wife and three kids thing. I was vociferously arguing from a polyamorous perspective how, as long as she didn't know, it shouldn't matter -- even though I truly think that it does matter greatly that you're being dishonest with someone. I guess what I really meant is that it shouldn't matter, and they should trust each other enough to know that feelings of jealousy are to be overcome...
Perhaps I'll write a little more later.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Well that ends that.
He's an utter piece of shit, and I told him so on his Facebook wall.
Fuck him so much. This is my closure.
Fuck him so much. This is my closure.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Announcing the contest winner:
Congratulations Ryan Underwood for your excellent suggestions, but I think The Scorpion King takes the cake!
I'll be in touch for info on how to claim your prize, heh.
The Scorpion King
I'll be in touch for info on how to claim your prize, heh.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
What is my name?
What is my name?
So, this got me thinking -- why don't I enlist the help of readers of my blog? That's right, and I even came up with an exclusive reward for whoever comes up with the best name: see, a few days ago, I made a video of me and my nameless vibrator getting in on... thus, the reward will be seeing my precious in action!
Post all suggestions in the comments.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I feel a sin coming on...
Have you ever woken up with an almost overwhelming desire to fuck the hell out of someone? Well, I definitely arose this morning with the female equivalent of a boner.
So, I'm digging through old correspondences between Gavin and I, frantically searching for a video one of us found for the other back in early August.
Sweet edging video.
But by the time I found the video, my sex drive was almost completely gone, for I've never gone back and read through any of our old correspondences before, and the particular email that I located the hyperlink in was one where he had actually been opening up to me quite a bit (for him, at least) for one of the first times...
Then I got all misty eyed, melancholic, and sentimental... but then I just watched that video -- which I still maintain us one of the most erotic things I've ever seen -- and brought myself to orgasm 6-7 times in a row with my new toy (*My new toy*)!
Then I started thinking that this story had a happy ending after all, but alas, no such luck, for I still haven't been able to shake that wistful sadness all day. More than that though, you know that aching feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you really miss someone or something but can't stop thinking about them? Yeah.
*sigh*
But let me be completely honest with myself -- sentimentality and your overall gooshiness haven't been all that's been on my mind. See, I've also been having vivid flashbacks all day of a certain time he, you know, did that thing he used to do for me with his cock on Skype, and damn...
Although I'm quite confident when I say that surely he's found someone else now -- call it a premonition, or woman's intuition, or whatever -- I totally don't care. Because unless something drastic somehow changes my sexual desire for him, when I go to see Jess in London in some months, I'm totally going to get him alone and make him fuck me harder then he's ever fucked anything before (and that's saying a lot for him, heh). And I practically guarantee that when we do fuck, it will be some of the best sex either of us have ever had -- and totally mind-blowing, earth shattering sex is exactly what I need right now.
Not that I suspect he'd make an ardent attempt to resist having sex with me by any means, but I'm very confident that I could talk him into bed in a sinch once I lose these last 10-15 pounds, and even though he's almost certainly taken right now, we're both poly, we're both hot, we're super compatible sexually, and we both have positively insane sex drives.
I think we could make it work somehow. ;-)
So, I'm digging through old correspondences between Gavin and I, frantically searching for a video one of us found for the other back in early August.
Sweet edging video.
But by the time I found the video, my sex drive was almost completely gone, for I've never gone back and read through any of our old correspondences before, and the particular email that I located the hyperlink in was one where he had actually been opening up to me quite a bit (for him, at least) for one of the first times...
Then I got all misty eyed, melancholic, and sentimental... but then I just watched that video -- which I still maintain us one of the most erotic things I've ever seen -- and brought myself to orgasm 6-7 times in a row with my new toy (*My new toy*)!
Then I started thinking that this story had a happy ending after all, but alas, no such luck, for I still haven't been able to shake that wistful sadness all day. More than that though, you know that aching feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you really miss someone or something but can't stop thinking about them? Yeah.
*sigh*
But let me be completely honest with myself -- sentimentality and your overall gooshiness haven't been all that's been on my mind. See, I've also been having vivid flashbacks all day of a certain time he, you know, did that thing he used to do for me with his cock on Skype, and damn...
Although I'm quite confident when I say that surely he's found someone else now -- call it a premonition, or woman's intuition, or whatever -- I totally don't care. Because unless something drastic somehow changes my sexual desire for him, when I go to see Jess in London in some months, I'm totally going to get him alone and make him fuck me harder then he's ever fucked anything before (and that's saying a lot for him, heh). And I practically guarantee that when we do fuck, it will be some of the best sex either of us have ever had -- and totally mind-blowing, earth shattering sex is exactly what I need right now.
Not that I suspect he'd make an ardent attempt to resist having sex with me by any means, but I'm very confident that I could talk him into bed in a sinch once I lose these last 10-15 pounds, and even though he's almost certainly taken right now, we're both poly, we're both hot, we're super compatible sexually, and we both have positively insane sex drives.
I think we could make it work somehow. ;-)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Subs
I got high in Trent's car last night before going to Ground Zero and wound up having a terrible time -- at least, until Angie showed up around 11-12 pm. Not sure if there's a correlation between smoking right before we got there and the fact that I almost couldn't stand myself for being a part of such a large crowd of utter losers, but there may well be, seeing as how I'm well known for being overly critical and analytical whilst stoned.
Luckily, Angie showed up, and her friends were actually pretty cool, especially the guy dressed as, get this, a retard with a raging boner, not shitting you. That was one of the best costumes I saw all night, football helmet, dirty clothes and all. More importantly, however, were the three conversations I had following my lame experience that truly caused me to reconsider BDSM as a whole; with Angie, my brother, and Gabrielle earlier today.
After speaking with Angie and my brother, I started to reconsider just how into BDSM I really am. It was only after speaking with Gabrielle that I started to reconsider even that.
See, after having spent so much time around all these submissive types, I just grew repulsed with the whole thing. I hate to say this, and it sounds so mean, I know, but I think my experience with Trent has been traumatizing me toward the all of it, and Gabrielle really helped me put that into perspective today. I realized that, for as much as I like being the more dominant one in a relationship, I don't really want that all the time.
Plainly stated, I just can't really respect anyone as submissive as Trent is...
Then I started thinking that I must be a switch. And then Angie and I observed that BDSM'ers tend to let that aspect of their sexuality define them. It's as if the fact that they're into BDSM shapes their very existence! While my sexuality is certainly a large part of who I am, there's so much more to me then what Tamara is like in the bedroom...
To put it bluntly, sure I love to dominate; however, I do not like most subs. They annoy the fuck out of me.
Oh, and I don't really have a list of fetishes or anything. I just like to fuck twenty four hours a day everyday. I don't really care for putting on an act; I just like to fuck, lol.
Luckily, Angie showed up, and her friends were actually pretty cool, especially the guy dressed as, get this, a retard with a raging boner, not shitting you. That was one of the best costumes I saw all night, football helmet, dirty clothes and all. More importantly, however, were the three conversations I had following my lame experience that truly caused me to reconsider BDSM as a whole; with Angie, my brother, and Gabrielle earlier today.
After speaking with Angie and my brother, I started to reconsider just how into BDSM I really am. It was only after speaking with Gabrielle that I started to reconsider even that.
See, after having spent so much time around all these submissive types, I just grew repulsed with the whole thing. I hate to say this, and it sounds so mean, I know, but I think my experience with Trent has been traumatizing me toward the all of it, and Gabrielle really helped me put that into perspective today. I realized that, for as much as I like being the more dominant one in a relationship, I don't really want that all the time.
Plainly stated, I just can't really respect anyone as submissive as Trent is...
Then I started thinking that I must be a switch. And then Angie and I observed that BDSM'ers tend to let that aspect of their sexuality define them. It's as if the fact that they're into BDSM shapes their very existence! While my sexuality is certainly a large part of who I am, there's so much more to me then what Tamara is like in the bedroom...
To put it bluntly, sure I love to dominate; however, I do not like most subs. They annoy the fuck out of me.
Oh, and I don't really have a list of fetishes or anything. I just like to fuck twenty four hours a day everyday. I don't really care for putting on an act; I just like to fuck, lol.